Damn You, John Twelve Hawks! Damn You, Sir!

(John Twelve Hawks [?] letter makes my Bulletin Board of the Miscellaneous)

Well, actually, I write now not to damn John Twelve Hawks, but to praise him. Some amongst you may remember that this past week I down-graded John Twelve Hawks to Eleven Turkeys and then, eventually One Sparrow–because of his reluctance to shed his pen name and come forth into the light.

Now, I have received the following missive, supposedly from John Twelve Hawks, and I find that, assuming the letter is indeed from him, I must praise him unreservedly for having a great and devious sense of humor.

Note the return address on the envelope. (I am assuming that if this letter is indeed from Twelve Hawks, I’m not endangering his anonymity by posting the envelope.)

As for the letter itself, it is handwritten and reads:

A confession: When I opened the letter I did not at first realize it was from Twelve Hawks, and thus was startled at the idea someone had come to my house unannounced and then dashed off a note about it. When I did realize it was Twelve Hawks, I still did not remember my blog post about demoting his status. Thus, it seemed for a split second related to some kind of odd stalking. Then I remembered–and I laughed and I laughed.

Upon whether this letter is actually from Twelve Hawks or not depends my official reaction to same (although this does not explain why I appear to be writing this blog entry in a slightly elevated Victorian-epistolary-novel style of diction). If it not be he, then bravo! to some young turk who has turned so merry a prank. If it is he (him? i’m very tired), then let me just say: Thanks–that made my week, and I’m still chuckling now.

In either case, Twelve Hawks through his own actions or those of a proxy has gained immunity from demotion or further teasing. I will, in fact, make sure to feature his next novel in some way.

18 comments on “Damn You, John Twelve Hawks! Damn You, Sir!

  1. gabe says:


    Having received letters from John Twelve Hawks in the past, I can absolutely verify that yours is legitimate. The return address is, I believe, his agent’s. But the handwriting and the JXIIH letterhead and the handwriting matches exactly.

    Either he’s written it and had his agent mail it, or his agent writes his letters for him. I assume the first.

    And goddamn, that is pretty damn funny.

  2. Thanks for the verification!


  3. Larry says:

    That has to be one of the more amusing things I’ve seen in quite some time! :D

  4. jeff vandermeer says:

    um it being that gabe I’m hoping his return means he has paid back the people he owes money to.

  5. banzai cat says:

    Yeah, he has a post detailing his response to it in the link…

  6. who? twelve hawks? where?

  7. ed says:

    I received a similar letter from John Twelve Hawks: same stationery, same envelope. I may likewise have to post a few pictures!

  8. Robot Eleven says:

    Is it coincidence that Gabe and Twelve Hawkes emerge from the ether at the same time?

  9. burt says:

    might sound strange – but of what does the letter smell?

  10. gabe says:


    For the last time, I’m certainly NOT J12H. John is John, he’s a real person, and further speculation or thinking that John is anyone but John is ridiculous and beyond the pale. What is so difficult to accept about an author who wishes to remain anonymous? Although I think a better word would be “private” as opposed to anonymous.

  11. I say again, Gabe–and you’ll note I’m not blaring it all over the internet, but…you still owe people money, apparently. Please stop ignoring that. I’m going to ban you from posting on my blog if you’re just going to ignore it.


  12. It smells of money, Burt. It smells of lots of money.

  13. gabe says:

    Jeff, there’s a time and a place and I don’t feel the comments of your blog represents either. You have my email address.

    I will note that I’ve done what I can to address that to the person affected – in private. You aren’t that person, so I didn’t feel the need to outline my private life for your benefit, OK? I don’t mean to be impolite or impolitic, but like I said – there’s a time and place, and your blog comments aren’t either. If you feel you need to ban me because I don’t want to air it in public on an unrelated blog, that’s your prerogative.

  14. gabe says:

    And that bit about the smell of money? That was funny. Really funny.

  15. gabe says:

    Wait. That last post may be construed as me being snarky, which it isn’t at all. I read your answer and laughed, that’s all. No snark intended.

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