(Weirdest thing of all? Both Jeff and Evil Monkey have agreed to learn to cook using this arcane and insane book as a reward to Ann for all of the many, many hours of reading she is doing for the big book of weird project, on top of Weird Tales and everything else…)

Evil Monkey:
“This concerns someone called Beaver Toadstone.”

Jeff:
“Doc Blaine ejaculated incoherently. I wheeled.”

Evil Monkey:
“Here I was ready to accept his offer of a good job as his secretary, and I had to go and pull a drunken boner!”

Jeff:
“Her only nourishment came from the meatballs that charitable souls chose to toss into her mouth.”

Evil Monkey:
“An incredible jumble of small, discolored lumps appeared in the glass, followed by a mass of blurry blobs and points.”

Jeff:
“Interesting, you seem to have given him siphilus.”

Evil Monkey:
“I’m not prepared to argue with a hallucination!”

Jeff:
“Dogs are dirty, birds are filthy, fish are clean except for the intestines, which are dirty.”

(more…)

Jeff:
I think I have a headache.

Evil Monkey:
Is it because I just hit you with a hammer?

(more…)

Evil Monkey:
You can relax now, “we’ve” won the culture wars.

Jeff:
Huh? Who’s “we”?

Evil Monkey:
Ya know—SF, fantasy, horror. We’ve won!

(more…)

Jeff:
C-t-y-i. Ctyi. Cyti. Ciyt. Yict. Yict! YICT!

Evil Monkey:
Jeez Louise, Jeff, what the heck is wrong? Yer sitting in the dark mumbling crap to yourself. In a corner no less. Facing the wall.

Jeff:
Can’t get. Can’t get. The word right. It doesn’t mean anything anymore.

Evil Monkey:
What word? What word could be that important.

Jeff:
This word–see, on this piece of paper.

Evil Monkey:
City?

(more…)

(Image courtesy of The Crotchety Old Fan…)

Evil Monkey:
Are you a mofo?

Jeff:
What? OW!! You hit me with that hammer. Right in the knee!

Evil Monkey:
You didn’t answer quick enuf. I thought you might be ethically challenged.

Jeff:
What in the hell are you talking about?

Evil Monkey:
I am a member of the People for the Ethical Treatment of SF. I go around hitting m@therf*ckers with hammers.

Jeff:
Back the hell up. What the hell is…PETSF?

Evil Monkey:
I dunno but we support nice stuff and I get to go around hitting mofos with hammers. Splinter group of this. It was more interesting at SFFE before somebody I think called Andy Remic deleted his post about mofos. There’s mofos out there. [scroll down to Andy Remic. kthanxbai.]

(more…)

(Miraculous defecation?)

Jeff:
Hey, Evil! What’ve you been up to?

Evil Monkey:
Watching those Godzilla movies, like you asked me to. Gawd, most of them suck.

Jeff:
Thanks for doing that. I’ve got so much other work to do on the new novel, I haven’t had time for the research aspect.

Evil Monkey:
You know, they’re not very realistic, these movies.

(more…)

Evil Monkey:
So…you’ve been mouthing off on Facebook about finishing Finch, your new novel. I thought you finished that piece of crap months ago?

(more…)

Note: Read no further if easily offended…

(more…)

I’ve finally, with Luis Rodrigues’ help, created a separate tag and drop-down option for all Evil Monkey posts. So you can now review Evil Monkey’s sordid, drunken, disgusting history in one place, if you so desire. Let’s take a little trip down memory lane, shall we…

(more…)

Another entry I’m posting as a refugee from the old blog. In this case, the context is messy because it’s in response to Jenn Reese publishing the Growth Cycle of a Writer, which no longer on the net. As she says, it doesn’t apply to every writer, so this post was not meant to castigate her for outlining her own course as a writer–what she’s saying is, of course, perfectly valid. (Even though she mixes stuff about career and stuff about the actual writing–which are two different animals that must be kept in different cages so that they do not devour each other or you.) Still, maybe you can grok the context from Evil’s responses…begin old post…

(more…)