Evil Monkey and Territories

Jeff:
What do you call someone who defends territory the size of a postage stamp?

Evil Monkey:
A mouse? No! A flea!

Jeff:
What about someone who attacks to acquire territory that size?

Evil Monkey:
Another mouse! No, a flea!

Jeff:
Maybe it looks large to them.

Evil Monkey:
A postage stamp is pretty important to a letter.

Jeff:
A letter is sent to one person.

Evil Monkey:
Not these days.

Jeff:
I’m going to bleed and die for this postage stamp so I can reach this here one reader.

Evil Monkey:
I’m going to invade so I can chortle over your metaphorical mangled remains and proclaim myself ruler of the postage stamp. Man, that postage stamp sure was corrupt until I started to rule it.

Jeff:
And I, ousted, am going to tell everyone far and wide that the postage stamp was a kingdom, wide and vast.

Evil Monkey:
And I will proclaim that my postage stamp *is* a kingdom, wide and vast, and thus make common cause with my enemy.

Jeff:
But that will all just make others covet your postage stamp and try to invade it, because from afar it will look like a mighty kingdom!

Evil Monkey:
Aha! And that is how I will make my escape! Because after conquering the postage stamp, I find I don’t really want it. It’s a lot of predictable conversations, a lot of meetings, and keeping track of members and dues. So I will be ousted and live happily ever after.

Jeff:
The next ruler will just proclaim the postage stamp an even bigger kingdom to justify the expense and time required to rule it.

Evil Monkey:
Or maybe the next ruler will have the wisdom to just post the letter, finally reach the one reader, and be done with it.

Jeff:
Ah, Evil, you clearly have a less cynical view of human nature than I do.

Evil Monkey:
What the hell do you know? You’re just a wandering curmudgeon. You don’t even have a stamp to send a letter!

Jeff:
Yes, instead I have my sanity.

Evil Monkey:
Clearly, you have not seen the postage-stamp kingdom shining upon the hill over yonder. How bright it glitters! How impregnable are its ramparts! How rich are its food stores and how deep its water wells…don’t you…don’t you want to…besiege it…just a little bit?

Jeff:
Not even a little bit.

Evil Monkey:
Damn you, curmudgeon. Damn you.

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