Evil Monkey and Terra Nova Cain

Evil Monkey:
I think it’s so cool there’s a new TV series with dragons!

Jeff:
They. Are. Not. Dragons. Like I told you, they are dinosaurs.

Evil Monkey:
I do think it’s sad the dragons don’t have wings. It’s poignant. Wingless dragons.

Jeff:
Right. Dinosaurs. DINO-SAURS, Evil.

Evil Monkey:
And it’s such a great premise. Going back in time to get a do-over, because in this future we’re pretty much fucked. I was planning on learning to imitate a cockroach or a bacteria to survive the coming eco-pocalypse.

Jeff:
Yes, it’s a pretty fairy tale. With pre-fab housing in the past.

Evil Monkey:
It’s wonderful! I’m already arranging to be cryogenically frozen so I can be revived in 2050 and go back to the past–with dragons!

Jeff:
Dinosaurs…which brings up an interesting point. Why didn’t they write the show so they go back to the time period of edible friendly fluffy mammals…rather than dinosaurs?

Evil Monkey:
You’re so cynical.

Jeff:
Evil. I have to ask. This is so unlike you…are you on something?

Evil Monkey:
Just life…and this Caol Ila single malt.

Jeff:
Sigh. I thought so. Look. Terra Nova is an awful show.

Evil Monkey:
No it’s not! They get to go back to the past!

Jeff:
Yeah, well, this family is so selfish they have an extra kid even though Earth is dying from over-population, but they’re portrayed as somehow heroic for doing that.

Evil Monkey:
Awful government! Restricting kid-making!

Jeff:
Yeah, because Earth won’t survive otherwise. And then, to make it worse, the dad not only escapes some maximum security prison but then penetrates the maximum security of the time portal! With a knapsack full of kid!

Evil Monkey:
You’re so cynical, Jeff. So cynical. Can’t you just learn to love and accept life the way it is.

Jeff:
It’s insulting. It’s an awful show with dinosaurs.

Evil Monkey:
Dragons, dude. Dragons.

Jeff:
It’s like if Jersey Shore came up with a Lost rip-off.

Evil Monkey:
But it was heroic the way the leader of the enclave back in the past went out in a kind of armored dune buggy to save a few moon-shine-makin’ teenagers from some clearly kinda tiny-brained carnivorous dinosaurs that were there just to provide mobile danger music but not really threaten the main courses…I mean characters. That was great!

Jeff:
No real leader slash commander in chief goes out in the damn armored dune buggy. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be leader for very long. He’d be dead.

Evil Monkey:
No, man. It was brave of him.

Jeff:
And what the goddamn name of Jesus were those teenagers doing making moonshine out in the middle of nowhere in dinosaur-infested terrain? WTF? What brain-dead moron does that? No one. No effing one. Not a single freakin’ one.

Evil Monkey:
Teenagers. What’re you going to do?

Jeff:
Argggh! No, it’s bad writing. It’s terrible stupid writing.

Evil Monkey:
It was brave and exciting!

Jeff:
It’s boring and predictable and stupid.

Evil Monkey:
So cynical…and oooh! There’s a secret plot about why they’re really there and where they actually are. Oooooh. So much mystery.

Jeff:
So let me ask you, Evil. If I were to build a time machine and then go back in time to make sure I could get a certain kind of coffee that’s discontinued in my time period, would I be a hero?

Evil Monkey:
Well, pal, that’s just stoopid talk, my friend, my better quarter.

Jeff:
So you go back in time and in the very first episode most of the time is spent dramatically documenting a home-made still and the stupidity of teenagers. What would you conclude?

Evil Monkey:
That it’s a great show about dragons!

Jeff:
No! You’d conclude it’s something made of cardboard with a cardboard center. I hope the dinosaurs eat every last one of them and evolve to replace us.

Evil Monkey:
Now, Jeff, that’s overkill, isn’t it? To wish the extinction of the human species and the exhaltation of the dragon species just because you don’t like a TV show.

Jeff:
I’m 43. I’m probably more than half-way through my life. I don’t need no time-wasting Terra Nova-Cain.

Evil Monkey:
You don’t get it. While we watch Terra Nova, animals and plants are irrevocably dying…but while we watch we can pretend that not only does the future not matter–we can escape into the past! Or we don’t even have to think! We can just sit there and drool!

Jeff:
You disgust me.

Evil Monkey:
Thank you! You disgust me, too!

Jeff:
There will be blood.

Evil Monkey:
You never really did understand me, did you? Terra Nova is about species of intelligent wingless dragons whose world is invaded by intelligent ape-things and their heroic if half-assed resistance movement. Viva la dragonistas! Viva la dragonistas!

Jeff:
I’m fairly sure you’re mangling not just a language but a plural.

Evil Monkey:
Plural shmural, Jeff! This is the future! This is the future of wingless dragons! Embrace it!

Jeff:
I am never letting you drink whisky again.

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