Mord Announces Candidacy for President of the United States of America

Jeff VanderMeer • August 14th, 2011 @ 7:45 pm • Culture

MORDPRESKILL_081411 copy
(Jeremy Zerfoss designed the poster)

In response to (p)Rick Perry entering the Presidential race, Mord, star of my stories “The Third Bear” and “The Situation” (as well as my forthcoming novel Borne, with cameos in The Journals of Doctor Mormeck) has announced his own candidacy—based on the truth…omnivores have run this country into the ground. Here’s his platform as passed on to me.

—MORD BALANCE BUDGET BY EATING NO MORE PEOPLE THAN CAN EXCRETE

—MORD CALL FOR PALAVER WITH TEA PARTY…HEADS ON SPIKES REQUIRED, TEA OPTIONAL

—MORD TAKE ALL MONEY FROM RICH, GIVE IT TO POOR. MORD TAKE ALL MONEY FROM POOR NOW RICH, GIVE TO NEW POOR. REPEAT.

—MORD MAKE MICHELLE BACHMANN ENTER THERAPY

—MORD DESTROY BRIDGES TO ENSURE INFRASTRUCTURE EXPENDITURES

—MORD SHOVE HIGH-SPEED RAIL DOWN RICK SCOTT’S THROAT…LITERALLY

—MORD CAUSE HAVOC AND TERROR IN CONGRESS BECAUSE THEY DESERVE IT

—MORD STOMP HARRY REID’S ORCHARDS SO HE TOP WHINGING ABOUT NOT SEEING THEM ON FLOOR OF CONGRESS

—MORD MEAT WITH ALL HERBIVORES TO PREY WITH THEM ON COMMON TISSUES

—MORD GIVE NEWT GINGRICH ONE PAPERCUT FOR EACH FAKE TWITTER FOLLOWER

—MORD IMPOSE TERM LIMITS BY DEVOURING ANYONE IN CONGRESS LONGER THAN 20 YEARS EVEN IF STRINGY OR BRAIN-MEATS FLABBY

—MORD DO WHATEVER HE WANT WHENEVER HE WANT AND STOMP WHATEVER HE WANT. THE END.

8 Responses to “Mord Announces Candidacy for President of the United States of America”

  1. redhead says:

    he’s got my vote.

  2. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    MORD PROMISE NOT DEVOUR MORD SUPPORTERS BEFORE MORD SUPPORTERS VOTE FOR MORD.

  3. Larry says:

    What’s Mord’s policy regarding SEC expansion?

  4. Nicole Cushing says:

    Mord won my vote with the Bachman promise. Who knew Mord was even AWARE of therapy?

  5. Luís Rodrigues says:

    Are you retiring the dead frog party, then?

  6. Sovay says:

    MORD DO WHATEVER HE WANT WHENEVER HE WANT AND STOMP WHATEVER HE WANT. THE END.

    At least he’s upfront about it!

  7. Robert Walis says:

    Mord cuts down expenditures on army. Mord is army.
    Mord cuts down expenditures on health care. Mord is ultimate health care.

  8. ben jones says:

    One of the first things I thought when I got up this morning was that Newt Gingrich doesn’t have enough papercuts. It looks like I may have found my candidate.

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