In response to (p)Rick Perry entering the Presidential race, Mord, star of my stories “The Third Bear” and “The Situation” (as well as my forthcoming novel Borne, with cameos in The Journals of Doctor Mormeck) has announced his own candidacy—based on the truth…omnivores have run this country into the ground. Here’s his platform as passed on to me.
—MORD BALANCE BUDGET BY EATING NO MORE PEOPLE THAN CAN EXCRETE
—MORD CALL FOR PALAVER WITH TEA PARTY…HEADS ON SPIKES REQUIRED, TEA OPTIONAL
—MORD TAKE ALL MONEY FROM RICH, GIVE IT TO POOR. MORD TAKE ALL MONEY FROM POOR NOW RICH, GIVE TO NEW POOR. REPEAT.
—MORD MAKE MICHELLE BACHMANN ENTER THERAPY
—MORD DESTROY BRIDGES TO ENSURE INFRASTRUCTURE EXPENDITURES
—MORD SHOVE HIGH-SPEED RAIL DOWN RICK SCOTT’S THROAT…LITERALLY
—MORD CAUSE HAVOC AND TERROR IN CONGRESS BECAUSE THEY DESERVE IT
—MORD STOMP HARRY REID’S ORCHARDS SO HE TOP WHINGING ABOUT NOT SEEING THEM ON FLOOR OF CONGRESS
—MORD MEAT WITH ALL HERBIVORES TO PREY WITH THEM ON COMMON TISSUES
—MORD GIVE NEWT GINGRICH ONE PAPERCUT FOR EACH FAKE TWITTER FOLLOWER
—MORD IMPOSE TERM LIMITS BY DEVOURING ANYONE IN CONGRESS LONGER THAN 20 YEARS EVEN IF STRINGY OR BRAIN-MEATS FLABBY
—MORD DO WHATEVER HE WANT WHENEVER HE WANT AND STOMP WHATEVER HE WANT. THE END.