My Fungal Weapons Versus Your Dragon: Fantasy Mortal Combat

Jeff VanderMeer • July 9th, 2011 @ 9:00 am • Uncategorized

So I’m bored today. So I’m gonna ask you a question. If any fantasy/SF authors got in a battle against one another and they had to fight through proxies like weapons, allies, etc, and were able to summon up anything weapon-y from their novels, including beasties as allies, to use in that conflict…what match-ups would you find interesting, and whose weapons would help them win?

Personally, I’d like to see Pern dragons versus GRRM dragons, sand worms versus Smaug, space squid versus…something.

If everybody mentions just male authors, I’m gonna send my fungal weapons after you. And they burn.

13 Responses to “My Fungal Weapons Versus Your Dragon: Fantasy Mortal Combat”

  1. ethan says:

    KJ Bishop’s decadent duelists versus The Three Musketeers. (Was Dumas SF/F? If not, let’s go with The Lovers from Mieville’s The Scar.)

  2. Larry says:

    Fine, fine. I would like to see a battle between the Care Bears, with their dreaded Care Bear Stare, versus Edward Cullen’s sparkly emo vampirism.

  3. Robert Wali? says:

    I’d love to see a battle between the Shrike from Hyperion by Dan Simmons and Tolkien’s Ents. Chop… chop… chop…

    I’d also like to see a well trained unit of policemen with fungal guns storm Hogwarts defended by baby wizards with their puny wands.

  4. Paul says:

    Severian/Terminus Est vs. Eddard Stark/Ice in a head chopping contest.

  5. Divers Hands says:

    I would very much enjoy sipping chilled Pernod while nibbling upon a bag of candied locusts, and stood witness as Christine the Magician (of Cisco’s “The Golem”) and the Lady Casimira (from the venereal city in Cathernine Valente’s “Palimpsest”) match wits and talents for control of tomorrow’s stories!

  6. Sam M-B says:

    Larry wins. I was going to come up with something involving Okorafor’s sprit-land beasties but he done did Pratchett’ed the thread.

  7. Robert Wali? says:

    Alice vs. Dorothy

  8. Justin Steele says:

    Elric of Melniborne vs. Harry Potter
    Conan vs. Mieville’s slake moths
    Gollum vs. Veniss Underground’s Meerkats
    Cthulhu vs. The Shrike

  9. Robert Wali? says:

    Hercules vs Aslan (let’s see if the best is fiercer than the Nemean lion)

  10. Natarajan Krishnaswami says:

    Elric of Melniboné v. Anamander Rake?
    Soul-stealing sword showdown! By, er, immortal elves.

  11. David Moles says:

    Maureen McHugh vs. Jeff Vandermeer. Zhang Zhongshan works quietly as a welder and handyman in occupied Ambergris. Meanwhile, the gray caps have no idea he exists, and if they did, they wouldn’t care.

  12. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    Mr Moles–ahahaha! Excellent.

  13. Daemon says:

    Lovecraft vs Barker – I predict a pyrrhic victory for Lovecraft…

    Steerpike vs the Phantom of the Opera – manipulative bastards, no matter who wins, you’ll be happy

    Mary Shelley vs Robert Louis Stevenson vs HG Wells (limited to Moreau) – 19th century mad science battle royal!

    Lina Inverse vs Elric of Melnibone (note: Lina was a novel character before the anime)

    Dirty Pair vs The Stainless Steel Rat (DP were also originally novel characters before their anime)

    Randolf Carter vs John Carter – just on principle

    Buffy vs Cullen – please? pretty please?

    Alucard (Hellsing manga version) vs Cullen – cherries on top?

    Harry Dresden vs Anita Blake – monster fighters on an ever-increasing power arc… dresden wins because he only thinks with his gonads on occasion.

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