Evil Monkey’s New Religion

Jeff VanderMeer • June 19th, 2011 @ 9:12 am • Evil Monkey

Evil Monkey:
I’m starting a new ideology.

Jeff:
Based on what tenets?

Evil Monkey:
Everyone is evil. Everyone is a monkey.

Jeff:
Even aarkvarks?

Evil Monkey:
Even aarkvarks.

Jeff:
Don’t do it, dude. Ideologies are toxic.

Evil Monkey:
No they’re not—they’re the life’s blood of social change.

Jeff:
Until they go rogue.

Evil Monkey:
You live under the constraints of a rogue ideology—capitalism.

Jeff:
Capitalism is like the morphine of ideologies. You’re going to become so addicted you’re going to die, but everything will be so fuzzy around the edges you’ll almost enjoy it, if you’re selfish enough.

Evil Monkey:
Like a cocoon protecting you from the irrational insanity of your brain.

Jeff:
Um, not exactly. Okay, maybe that’s it exactly.

Evil Monkey:
My ideology will be pure, though. It’ll only do good. It’s been created to do good.

Jeff:
They all start out that way. Most of them. Some of them. Then before you know it you’re being pushed forward to defend the Volga by political officers who will later report your every nervous tic to a homicidal dictator and after the war you will probably be sent to die in a work camp despite the medals of valor on your chest.

Evil Monkey:
You’re cynical.

Jeff:
No, just brushing up on the Siege of Stalingrad. Do you know even the starlings were converted to an ideology? They converted to the ideology of the Germans. They began to sound like the sound of mortar fire. Mimicry—a key component of ideology. You must have insurgents.

Evil Monkey:
You’re not helping. I need some key terms to promote my ideology. Jargon that distinguishes my ideology from others.

Jeff:
What’s your ideology?

Evil Monkey:
Everyone should do good deeds and anyone who doesn’t do good deeds should be shot. And animals are pets, not meat. Meat should be liberated from its prisons. Wait—I wrote that last bit down wrong. It should’ve read “Meat is liberal and must be protected.”

Jeff:
Are you some kind of mutant Franciscan?

Evil Monkey:
So I thought my terms would be “gooder”, “anti-gooder”, and “angel.”

Jeff:
And am I going to regret asking what those mean?

Evil Monkey:
A “gooder” is someone who is doing good deeds. An “anti-gooder” is someone who is sitting quietly in their house taking up space not doing good deeds. An “angel” is someone who is intrinsically imbued with “gooder” qualities. In other words, even when that person is sitting quietly in their house not doing anything, they are doing good.

Jeff:
That doesn’t make sense.

Evil Monkey:
Well, I mean, I’ve got to be an angel because I’m going to need some downtime and I don’t want the neighbors shooting me.

Jeff:
Right.

Evil Monkey:
Anyway, it’s a start.

Jeff:
What problem are you trying to solve with your ideology?

Evil Monkey:
People not doing enough good in the world. In fact, most people are actively doing anti-good, possibly from having too much nervous energy.

Jeff:
There will be less people to not do good once you’re done, that’s for sure.

Evil Monkey:
If I apply these terms in support of my ideology and they catch on, it can become metaphorical to some extent. It’s mostly about making people be “gooders” online anyway. So if you’re typing on the computer you’re a “gooder” even if you don’t leave the house. Typing is doing now. Expressing an opinion is a good act.

Jeff:
Apparently. What if your ideology comes up against the realities of the world? Like, the factual precepts of the world?

Evil Monkey:
We will make the world conform to our ideology.

Jeff:
Even gravity? What if gravity turns out to be a force of anti-good?

Evil Monkey:
We will reverse gravity. We will make it gooder. We will make it angel. Gravity shall dance to our tune and use our terms and then we shall send gravity forth to preach the word, and as a new convert it shall be like an annoying but endearing grad student and talk all about how it used to be gravity and evil but now is anti-gravity and anti-evil, and lo!, it shall be so because I, the angel of the gooder movement, believe in it. If I concentrate really, really hard.

Jeff:
So basically anti-science?

Evil Monkey:
I prefer to see it as “pro innovation.”

Jeff:
That seems clear. Can I be a neutral-gooder? Like, support your aims but not your means? I would like to see more good in the world. I mean, I’ve yet to see many people come out in favor of more evil in the world. I do support the idea of good works.

Evil Monkey:
No, in my system you are either a gooder or an anti-gooder. Like you said, who would be against doing good?

Jeff:
What if I want to call it “acts of loving kindness” instead. Could I be a Kindness Purveyor?

Evil Monkey:
Sorry, no. That would be a heresy.

Jeff:
Even though it’s the same thing?

Evil Monkey:
Not the same exact word, so not the same thing. You must use the right words or my disciples will not understand what you’re talking about and brand you an anti-gooder. You see, my ideology will liberate the individual from the constraints of evil placed upon them by society.

Jeff:
Do anti-gooders get any warning shots?

Evil Monkey:
First they must be accused of being anti-gooders.

Jeff:
Can anyone accuse anyone else of being an anti-gooder?

Evil Monkey:
Sure! We’re very democratic.

Jeff:
If someone accuses someone else of being an anti-gooder, do they get a trial?

Evil Monkey:
I thought about trials, but that’s too much work. Basically, if you’re accused, you’re guilty, especially if it’s an angel accusing you. And then we shoot you.

Jeff:
Very simple. Utterly. Completely. Simple.

Evil Monkey:
It’ll probably make neighbors much more polite to one another! Really, what will happen is more and more people will do good and eventually there will be no anti-gooders and thus no accusations.

Jeff:
What if I just want you to vacate your house so I can buy it cheap?

Evil Monkey:
Now you’re being silly.

Jeff:
Are you afraid your ideology mightl obscure the meaning of good? That applied like a straitjacket, your ideology might make it harder to get to the root of all evil? That your ideology might in fact become counterproductive to your aims?

Evil Monkey:
No, it won’t. I’m a leftist. I believe in the cause of the gooder.

Jeff:
I hate to break it to you, Evil, because I love you, but you’ve temporarily become a fundamentalist. Leftists can be fundamentalists, too.

Evil Monkey:
Not true! I’ve seen both parts of the Che Guevera movie. Well, okay, just the first part and some of the second half. Well, okay, part of the first half. Well, okay, I read a review. Part of a review. I saw a headline. Somebody told me about a headine.

Jeff:
(pokes Evil in the eye)

Evil Monkey:
Ow! Why did you do that?!?!

Jeff:
If I want to be a gooder, I’ve got to do good acts.

Evil Monkey:
That wasn’t a good act!

Jeff:
It was from my perspective.

Evil Monkey:
You’re not being much help with my ideology. I don’t think you’re taking this seriously. The world is full of un-good, spilling over with it. You’re actively obstructing a gooder from doing good.

Jeff:
I’m temporarily irritating a nutter who wants to form a cult. Now get out of my house before I shoot you.

Evil Monkey:
Okay, okay! Forget I mentioned it. Geez, you’re so sensitive these days.

2 Responses to “Evil Monkey’s New Religion”

  1. Tracie W. says:

    Sigh. This is awesome. That is all.

  2. Margaret Killjoy says:

    This is actually one of the best descriptions of capitalism (and stalinism, really) that I’ve ever read. Congratulations, you expressed Camus’s The Rebel by talking to an evil monkey version of yourself.

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