Evil Monkey Encounters The Weird

(Weirdest thing of all? Both Jeff and Evil Monkey have agreed to learn to cook using this arcane and insane book as a reward to Ann for all of the many, many hours of reading she is doing for the big book of weird project, on top of Weird Tales and everything else…)

Evil Monkey:
“This concerns someone called Beaver Toadstone.”

“Doc Blaine ejaculated incoherently. I wheeled.”

Evil Monkey:
“Here I was ready to accept his offer of a good job as his secretary, and I had to go and pull a drunken boner!”

“Her only nourishment came from the meatballs that charitable souls chose to toss into her mouth.”

Evil Monkey:
“An incredible jumble of small, discolored lumps appeared in the glass, followed by a mass of blurry blobs and points.”

“Interesting, you seem to have given him siphilus.”

Evil Monkey:
“I’m not prepared to argue with a hallucination!”

“Dogs are dirty, birds are filthy, fish are clean except for the intestines, which are dirty.”

Evil Monkey:
“You made me believe that the sea looked like the vast sheet of water spread across your scrolls, so blue that if a stone were to fall into it, it would become a sapphire.”

“There are so many things that are impossible to explain!”

Evil Monkey:
“There are breaches between the worlds…Rifts, fractures, ruptures. If they can’t be closed, they have to be guarded against the things on the other side that don’t belong here.”

“One would think you would want to shield the beast.”

Evil Monkey:
“It would be a long, long time before it would bestir itself to enter into another being’s awareness.”

“…remembering what I have seen, I am not sure that even death will end my bondage.”

Evil Monkey:
“Not a demon-child, but for years he rode wild thunderous razor-hooved black stallions by night and by day.”

“Any cheap excursions, sir?”

Evil Monkey:
“The house in itself was, even before anything had happened there, as lovely a thing as she had ever seen.”

“To look at…it’s just an ordinary little paw, dried to a mummy.”

Evil Monkey:
Oi! Are you winding me up, mate? And how long do we have to play this game of quoting lines from stories?

“…groping wildly on the floor in search of the paw.”

Evil Monkey:
That’s it! I quit!

“The thing held out its clawed hand and, after a time, [he] took it in his own.”

Evil Monkey:
Now you’re just havin’ a larf.


Evil Monkey:
Stop! You had me at ygaiih!

Think the first person to match all the quotes with the authors and stories correctly should get a free copy of the big book of the weird when it comes out?”*

Evil Monkey:
Only if they’re also allowed to hit you over the head with it.

*Quotes are not from stories necessarily slated to be in the book.


  1. says

    EM1: “Semi-automatic Prayer for Beaver Toadstone,” John Irving. Captain America #5
    J1: “Doc Savage Takes Doc Blaine on a Doc Date,” Philip Jose Farmer. The Lugubrious Five: A Savage Anthology of Uncollected Stories
    EM2: “His Point, and He Has One,” Margaret Atwood. Geist, June 2009.
    J2: “A Very Old Man with Enormous Wings,” Gabriel Garcia Marquez. The College Guide to Writing You Will Never Master.
    EM2: “That Spoonful of Sugar In The Fridge For Weeks,” P.L. Travers. Mary Poppins at 60 (part of the Famous Fictional Characters in their Sunset Years put out by Bantam)
    J3: “When I was Just a Boy,” A. A. Milne. Winnie The Pooh Blue.
    EM3: “Al Gore Wakes Up,” Jonathan Carroll, The New Yorker, February 2002.
    J4: “Forrest Gump: Freshman, Bob Jones University,” Winston Groom. I Can Explain What I Did: Alternate Reality, Mr. Gump
    EM4: “Problems in Oceanography,” Jacques Cousteau. from Memoirs of My Estranged Sister’s Family.
    J5: “Hamlet 2010,” Neil Gaiman. You Too Can Learn Shakespeare.
    EM5: “Heaven and Earth: Toward the Healing of the Catholic and Episcopalian Churches,” Pope Benedict.
    J6: Sound of Music. Rodgers and Hammerstein, 1965.
    EM6: “Psychiatric Observations on Richard Cheney,” Arthbutnot, E., D. Langley, D. Phillips, E. Rutherford, Washington Psychiatric Board, 2009.
    J7: A Charge to Keep, George W. Bush, 1999.
    EM7: “My First Love,” Mother Theresa. Confessions, 1986.
    J8: “Asked to Leave the Voyage,” Evin Aarvinson. Talking about Explorers: Roald Amundsen (the Talking About Explorers Series for Middle Schoolers)
    EM8: Comeuppance Comes to Little House, Laura Ingalls Wilder.
    J9: “The Monkey’s Paw,” W.W. Jacobs.
    J10: “Marilyn Meets the Beast,” Stephanie Meyer. Horror Writers Tackle Marilyn Monroe, 2007.
    J11: “I Saw Momma Necking Santa Claus,” Peter Straub. Christmas Hauntings for the Sacked and Dejected.
    J12: Katie Couric interviews Sarah Palin. transcript, played backwards to reveal demonic backmasking

  2. says

    Wow, that’s impressive. I’m not even going to try to name them all… I’ll just suggest the Commonsense Cookery Book as an equally good learn to cook title.

  3. Xelgaex says

    1 (EM1): A story from The Cub-Hunting Season – Steve Ferris
    2 (J1): Old Garfield’s Heart – Robert E. Howard
    4 (J2): A Very Old Man with Enormous Wings – Gabriel Garcia Marquez.
    8 (J4): Clean – Rikki Ducornet
    13 (EM7):The Circular Valley – Paul Bowles
    14 (J7): The Vaults of Yoh-Vombis – Clark Ashton Smith
    15 (EM8): Demon – Joyce Carol Oates
    17 (EM9): A Visit – Shirley Jackson
    18 (J9): The Monkey’s Paw – W.W. Jacobs
    19 (J10): Also from The Monkeys Paw
    20 (J11): Details of a Tyrant and Other Stories – Sirin (Jeff Vandermeer)
    21 (J12): The Dunwich Horror – H.P. Lovecraft

    I had to use google to get even that much (which I sorta suspect is cheating, even though nothing was said to that effect). The Lovecraft quote and the Monkey’s Paw ones were the only ones I recognized straight off. Even so, I still couldn’t track them all down. For some of the quotes, the only hits are this dialogue.