How Old Are You In Writer Years? Here’s the Formula…
Just like dogs, writers have their own conversion to human years to make. If you’re a 32-year-old writer writing for 20 years, you’re probably much, much older than a 40-year-old writer writing for 10 years.
How do you go about determining your true writer age? It’s simple.
First of all, discard your real age, which is meaningless. Then
(1) Take the number of years you’ve been writing and multiply it by the number of rejection slips you’ve received.
(2) Divide that number by the number of acceptances. (If zero, use one instead.)
(3) Then subtract the number of times someone (anyone from your mum to the NYT) has said they like your writing.
(4) Add to that result the number of bad reviews you’ve gotten.
(5) Take the number of feuds you’ve had with other writers, multiplied by the number of ranting comments you’ve posted to someone’s blog on a subject related to writing. Add that number to your total.
(6) Subtract the number that represents every time you’ve helped another writer, either by reading something of theirs or by helping them get an agent, etc.
Don’t count the number of times you’ve wept at a rejection or raged in private at some slight. Don’t count the number of times you’ve thought enviously of some other writer’s career. Don’t count the number of times the precarious nature of the business has driven you to drink (or, if you’re under-aged, copious amounts of soda and ice cream). Don’t count the number of times you’ve danced around in your bathrobe because of some success. All of these variables, over the lifetime of a writer, tend to occur in the same numbers for everyone.
So, by that formula I am almost exactly 1,000 years old today. Happy writer’s birthday to me.
September 6, 2009 at 11:18 am
Uh, I’m 30 in writing years. Two years younger than my actual age. I’m going to pretend that’s a good thing.
Jeff: You need a sabbatical. ; )
September 6, 2009 at 11:27 am
many happy returns
but bad reviews make you younger? this has generally not been my experience of bad reviews
September 6, 2009 at 11:36 am
I’m just a wee writer. My age equals 7. I guess I need to argue with people more.
September 6, 2009 at 11:38 am
I haven’t been born yet…
September 6, 2009 at 11:41 am
Felix–I think I messed something up there. Will amend shortly.
Jeff
September 6, 2009 at 12:00 pm
How do you know the birthdate? Is it first ever publication, or day when you resolve to not be defeated?
September 6, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Birth date for me is just the first time I can remember writing fiction, which would be around age 8 or 9.
September 6, 2009 at 12:23 pm
I like that you can lower your age by helping other writers. :)
September 6, 2009 at 12:41 pm
It depends on the writer you are helping. Some writers will ADD years to your age.
September 6, 2009 at 12:45 pm
I think I haven’t been born yet! :O
September 6, 2009 at 2:04 pm
But your writer’s age is a complex number, surely. You’re forgetting the imaginary component which starts with the number of years you’ve wanted the adoration of multitudes. This is multiplied by the number of hours per day you spend on the internet, divided by the number of those that are actual research. Add on a year for every time you’ve *claimed* it was research when it was actually just looking at pictures of dogs in snoods. Add on a decade for every time you’ve outlined the full plot of this Really Exciting Thing you’re working on to someone who wasn’t really that interested. Subtract a year for every work actually finished. Divide by mean units of alcohol consumed per week. Multiply by median units of alcohol consumed per week. Raise to the power of the number of times you’ve thought, “YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE GENIUS THAT IS MEEEEE!!!” even if not in those exact words.
There may well be other factors in the equation, but this should give you a rough guesstimate of your imaginary years as a writer.
September 6, 2009 at 2:11 pm
[...] old are you in writers’ years? Jump to Comments …according to this, from Jeff VanderMeer’s blog, I’m 251 years old. Now I’m not sure if this is good [...]
September 6, 2009 at 3:28 pm
well lets see here…
2 x 40/4 – 109 +3 + 0 – 2 …I think I’m in the negatives. O.o
September 6, 2009 at 3:43 pm
if u run negative add 80 since all writers are born curmudgeons. and remember I am an absurdist. and don’t listen to the mad scotsman. listen to the flying dutchman…
September 6, 2009 at 7:50 pm
I think I may be dead…
September 6, 2009 at 8:56 pm
Hrmm…so all essayists/reviewers are by their very nature curmudegeons? And I’d rather listen to Captain Morgan, which is neither mad nor flying…I hope.
September 6, 2009 at 11:04 pm
Nice, lol. I’m at least in the 600 to 800 range. Now how many more until I’m a career author? Le sigh.
September 6, 2009 at 11:58 pm
I’m 117, which is only slightly less than six times my age. I’d say that’s a pretty fair start.
September 7, 2009 at 5:44 am
Judas Priest, I am dead. “You can not hurt me now!”
September 7, 2009 at 7:10 am
i think i may have been born rather prematurely according to this post, which means i haven’t even clocked up my first birthday yet……
peace and love…
September 7, 2009 at 8:09 pm
Oh, dear. Either my math is wrong, or I know why I’m so tired; according to this formula I’m almost 4700 years old.
September 7, 2009 at 10:36 pm
[...] According to Jeff Vandermeer, writers, like dogs, have their own conversion to human years to maker. How Old Are You In Writer Years? Here’s the Formula… [...]
September 8, 2009 at 7:44 am
[...] How Old Are You In Writer Years? Here’s the Formula… — jeffvandermeer with some critical information. [...]
September 9, 2009 at 7:14 am
Ok, I’ve done this twice now and I’m 240. That seems about right.
September 9, 2009 at 11:22 pm
I’m with Angela Slatter—I think I may be dead. Either that or I’m some kind of demented phoenix…
September 10, 2009 at 7:06 am
[...] old are you in “writer’s years”? Equation here. (from [...]
September 11, 2009 at 1:44 am
I’m a minor character from The Blue Bird, I think: even adding 80 it’s years and years before I will be born.