Elevation: Raise Yer Game, Internets, for I Am Giving Away Hooks

Jeff VanderMeer • June 23rd, 2009 @ 8:32 am • Culture

Dear Intertubes:

I was scrolling through yer bountiful pleasures the other day and came across things that made me want to write a blog post, because I’m totally reactive that way.

First off, ———-, stop posting this on twitter over and over again because it’s f-cking with my ability to find real information about myself, and we all know how important that is: “My books have been blurbed by writers such as Piers Anthony, Jack Ketchum, Jeff Strand, Jeff VanderMeer, John Skipp, Gary Braunbeck.” Stop it! Or mix it up: “My books have not been blurbed by Junot Diaz, Stephen King, Fatty Warbucks, and Irmalinda Pitkaginkel.” (Besides, you are beginning to sound like you have some kind of disease. I am worried about you. Love, Flaming Disaster.)

Secondly, I completely agree with Larry that there aren’t enough give-aways on various blogs. As Larry says, quoting John Ford, “‘Tis a Pity You’re a Whore, You Bastards.” Wait. Whut? Er, never mind. Doesn’t scan. I has no opinion.

Where was I?

So I will begin with the give-aways here, since I’m not doing my fair share. Still, it’s going to be a little different than on other blogs.

Let me explain. I do features, interviews, and book reviews across a spectrum of different publications. Do I love everything I profile? No, I do not, but there are plenty of books that deserve coverage that will never fall into my personal love-it category–books and authors I still respect, and that readers want to hear about. (Mind you, book reviews fall into another category entirely–that of complete disclosure of the reviewer’s opinion.)

All by way of saying I like to be both more relaxed and less relaxed here on my blog. I don’t do book give-aways on my blog except rarely, and I’ll only give away a book I truly deeply love. Otherwise, there’s a kind of contamination going on–something junking up my relationship with my blog readers. And I don’t want book publishers leveraging up on me in my personal space.

So, all that out of the way, here’s my give-away contest: Write me a 10,000-word essay on why you think give-aways helped create or destroy the fantasy genre as we know it (deadline: Jan. 1, 2010) and you will receive one of the following prizes:

This here boot I can’t find the mate for:

This here hook in our ceiling that I can’t find any use for and that makes me think Captain Hook is embedded in our attic:

This here neck pillow we’ve abandoned because our stupid cat likes to hump it:

This here inexplicable beastie procured at a local Hallmark store on a whim:

20 Responses to “Elevation: Raise Yer Game, Internets, for I Am Giving Away Hooks”

  1. Nick Mamatas says:

    Make it a ten-word essay and you have a deal!

  2. brendan connell says:

    The hook looks pretty tempting.

  3. Larry says:

    Good God, Jeff! Are you trying to make me choke during my lunch break?

    That being said, don’t tempt me, for I can blather with the best of them and to quote SNL’s Sean Connery:

    “The Hook is Mine!”

    Oh, wait…was that a Brandy song?

    Nevermind.

  4. Jonathan M says:

    10,000 word essays? Sweet Jesus, if Hal Duncan is in the market for pink beasties and cat-humped neck pillows then he’ll be a very happy bunny indeed.

  5. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    Nick: If you want the hook, do the work.

    But I think this is really about not wanting to give up my hook.

  6. J M McDermott says:

    Do they have to be different words? Can’t I just write the same couple words over and over again to hammer home my brilliant point through repetition?

  7. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    YES. DIFFERENT WORDS. ALL 10,000 OF THEM.

  8. Brian says:

    Will they all be signed? All of my other cat humped pillows are signed….

  9. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    If by “signed” you mean f—ed up, sure.

  10. J M McDermott says:

    If I randomize the words, I only have to be better than all the other entrants. Then, I can score me some Hallmark Beastie…

    I’ve got the typewriters. Now, all I need are some MONKEYS!

  11. Felix Gilman says:

    10,000 words? laughable, i am insulted by the triviality of this challenge

    for the hook and the boot i am willing to offer a 10,000 word palindromic essay on whatever it was it was supposed to be about

  12. Felix Gilman says:

    For the hook and the boot and the pink thing I am willing to offer a 10,000 word palindrome that is also an anagram for the first 10,000 words of the KJV Old Testament and also encodes a non-trivial portion of the genome of a healthy member of the mammal or fish species of your choice while still making at least three (3) pithy and trenchant observations about whatever it was

  13. Felix Gilman says:

    i offer nothing for your cat-humped pillow

  14. Larry says:

    But Felix, can you write a 10,000 paean to the sex god that is Rush Limbaugh and be totally true in your lust to him, while still answering the questions Jeff has posed above? That’s a tougher challenge, I’d think.

  15. Nick Mamatas says:

    As it turns out, there is also a hook in my ceiling.

    So ha ha on you!

  16. Hellbound Heart says:

    ah look i’ll swap you a cat-humped pillow for a dog-slobbered piece of rope…….
    can i make the writing task something i can give my kids at school (6 and 7 year-olds) and then submit the best pieces? some of them might begin with “On the weekend I….” or “I lost my wobbly tooth and the tooth fairy gave me….”

    peace and love….

  17. Brian Slattery says:

    What is it with hooks in ceilings? When we moved into our house, there was a hook in the ceiling of every room, including the bathroom; there was even a hook embedded in a tree branch in the yard. I mean, who doesn’t like a nice hanging plant, but every room? What was going on in there?

  18. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    I dunno. I thought it was a little odd. But…every room?!?!?

  19. Nick Mamatas says:

    Did the Realtor explain that “man-skinnin’ hooks” are an amenity found in many New Haven-area homes?

  20. Bruno Hallihan says:

    Why is it that some blogs just seem to obtain it proper, many thanks for currently being so useful.

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