Evil Monkey’s Thought For a Sunday


(Miraculous defecation?)

Jeff:
Hey, Evil! What’ve you been up to?

Evil Monkey:
Watching those Godzilla movies, like you asked me to. Gawd, most of them suck.

Jeff:
Thanks for doing that. I’ve got so much other work to do on the new novel, I haven’t had time for the research aspect.

Evil Monkey:
You know, they’re not very realistic, these movies.

Jeff:
You think? Rubber costumes. Cardboard cities.

Evil Monkey:
No, not that, idiot. I mean the poop.

Jeff:
The poop?

Evil Monkey:
Yeah, the poop. The crap. The shit. The deuce. The stinking piles of stool. The scat. The scattered scat full of berries and bits and pieces and stuff. The feces I throw against that thar wall.

Jeff:
I got it. I got it with the first synonym. But what about it?

Evil Monkey:
There ain’t none.

Jeff:
What?

Evil Monkey:
Just think on this. You’ve got a huge monster-thing, a devourer of cities. A true leviathan. There should be huge hay bales of shit on the streets. There should be cars and trucks buried in the stuff as it comes hurtling down from on high. The humans in these movies should feel like ants in Central Park during a mounted policeman parade. Godzilla should be able to destroy a Japanese city just by unloading fecal bombs. But there ain’t no poop in these here movies. Not even a tepid squeak of a fart.

Jeff:
And this has been bothering you.

Evil Monkey:
The poop mise-en-scene is totally off, and that throws off the characterization. It’s like divining your fortune from sheep entrails–whatever’s in there speaks to Godzilla’s character, whether it’s bits of people or old tires or beluga whales or lobster or whole cows. How can I believe in a creature that doesn’t give a shit?

Jeff:
Try harder?

Evil Monkey:
Here’s some try harder–right there on the wall. You believe in me now, don’t you?

Jeff:
Hard not to, really, much as I try.

Comments

  1. Missy S says

    I’m not sure whether to laugh or just shake my head… I think I’ll do both.

    Note to self: never anger the evil monkey.

  2. Jason Uresti says

    Godzilla is radioactive, so all the waste gets burned up in his nuclear furnace of a stomach. Godzilla swallows something, and its burned up, either expelled as gas when he roars (burps), or when he torches something with his flame breath.

    I’ll be waiting on my Marvel No-Prize.

  3. Ennis Drake says

    I don’t know . . . looks like somethin’s a tricklin’ out his backside to me.

  4. kevin Coakley says

    Maybe the mystery fog around Godzilla and later King Kong that kept people out was really the steam from massive piles of decomposing droppings. My problem is with Mothra the flying 60 foot moth. Wouldnt he fly toward the sun like a moth flys to a light?

  5. John McCarthy says

    In all those old movies, you would see crowds of Japanese rushing to buses to flee the scene. One of my friends used to always say, “Where the Hell are they going? Japan is what–this big? Godzilla would be there in three steps.”

    And, the Japanese are a very tidy people. I’m guessing even while their homeland is being trashed Lilliputian-style, the Japanese Self-Defense Force has the pooper-scooper out.

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