Consequences of Buying Random Sh*t at the Grocery Store

Check-out girl: Whatcha gonna do? Tape some grapes to those protein bars?

Me: Yes. That’s exactly what I’m going to do. And then you know what I’m gonna do? I’m going to paaaartay like there’s no tomorrow!


  1. says

    That, my friend, is what we call a first sign of mental illness. You should probably make an appointment with your doctor…taping grapes to power bars…I mean really…

  2. Jeff VanderMeer says

    me brain’s workin’ fine. just gotta start writin’ some ficciones again sooooon…i think my perfect audience for this post is probably jeff ford.

  3. Jeff VanderMeer says

    If you ever use the word “optimized” on my blog again, I am going to strap grapes and power bars to your ass and ride you around the room like a show pony.

  4. says

    “I am going to strap grapes and power bars to your ass and ride you around the room like a show pony.” … I’d pay good money to see that. ;P

  5. says

    I didn’t know grapes and power bars would lead to threats of kinkiness here! I wonder if this has morphed into a fantasy blog of an entirely different sort…

  6. says

    I was at the grocery store last night and actually bought ProteinPlus PowerBars as a result of this post lodging them in my consciousness. No grapes or tape, though. In spite of what many may believe, I do have my limits.

    Optimally, those limits stop at taping grapes to things. I make no promises about bacon.

  7. says

    Jeff, am I to understand that Checkout Girl simply ad-libbed that brilliant line, and you DIDN’T put her under immediate retainer? Shit… Neal Adams hasn’t drawn anything since, like, 1982. Just farmed it all out to his clones. You could be turned out a novel a week with checkout girls supplying dialogue. Whoah–scratch that. Forget that idea. But, uh, do you have her email address?