Consequences of Buying Random Sh*t at the Grocery Store

Jeff VanderMeer • April 30th, 2009 @ 11:16 am • Culture, Photos

Check-out girl: Whatcha gonna do? Tape some grapes to those protein bars?

Me: Yes. That’s exactly what I’m going to do. And then you know what I’m gonna do? I’m going to paaaartay like there’s no tomorrow!

18 Responses to “Consequences of Buying Random Sh*t at the Grocery Store”

  1. Juliet says:

    If you do nothing else productive with the entire rest of the week, know that this was a great gift to me. :)

  2. John Klima says:

    Dude…that’s messed up. And I’m more than a bit annoyed that I missed out on the grape-tape power party.

  3. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    Juliet: My present to you–crazytown. LOL!

    John: It’s surprisingly *hard* to then get the damn tape off of the grapes. Very annoying.


  4. John Klima says:

    But then you get the luxury of peeled grapes. Yum!

  5. SMD says:

    That, my friend, is what we call a first sign of mental illness. You should probably make an appointment with your doctor…taping grapes to power bars…I mean really…

  6. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    me brain’s workin’ fine. just gotta start writin’ some ficciones again sooooon…i think my perfect audience for this post is probably jeff ford.

  7. Network Geek says:

    Um, don’t take this the wrong way, but I think Scalzi optimized this with cats and bacon. I’m just sayin’…

  8. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    If you ever use the word “optimized” on my blog again, I am going to strap grapes and power bars to your ass and ride you around the room like a show pony.

  9. Network Geek says:

    Well, okay, but usually, that costs extra.

  10. Michael says:

    “I am going to strap grapes and power bars to your ass and ride you around the room like a show pony.” … I’d pay good money to see that. ;P

  11. anon says:


  12. Larry says:

    I didn’t know grapes and power bars would lead to threats of kinkiness here! I wonder if this has morphed into a fantasy blog of an entirely different sort…

  13. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    It’d just be to stop the spread of “optimized.”

  14. Larry says:

    Ah. But is the use of “Optimus Prime” allowed here, or is that too verboten?

  15. Jeff Pert says:

    I loves me them chocolate and peanut butter power bars!

  16. Network Geek says:

    I was at the grocery store last night and actually bought ProteinPlus PowerBars as a result of this post lodging them in my consciousness. No grapes or tape, though. In spite of what many may believe, I do have my limits.

    Optimally, those limits stop at taping grapes to things. I make no promises about bacon.

  17. Minister Faust says:

    Jeff, am I to understand that Checkout Girl simply ad-libbed that brilliant line, and you DIDN’T put her under immediate retainer? Shit… Neal Adams hasn’t drawn anything since, like, 1982. Just farmed it all out to his clones. You could be turned out a novel a week with checkout girls supplying dialogue. Whoah–scratch that. Forget that idea. But, uh, do you have her email address?

  18. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    Heh. I was afraid it might be a one-time thing.

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