Evil Monkey Interrogates Finch

Jeff VanderMeer • April 23rd, 2009 @ 11:19 pm • Evil Monkey

Evil Monkey:
So…you’ve been mouthing off on Facebook about finishing Finch, your new novel. I thought you finished that piece of crap months ago?

Jeff:
Huh? What?

Evil Monkey:
Hey! be alert. I asked you a question.

Jeff:
Jesus Christ, Evil. I was asleep.

Evil Monkey:
Falling into a stupor on the couch watching extreme fighting doesn’t count as “asleep.”

Jeff:
What the hell was the damn question?

Evil Monkey:
Um, here’s a napkin. Wipe that drool from the side of your mouth.

Jeff:
Uh. Get outta my face.

Evil Monkey:
So you said you finished Finch…again.

Jeff:
This was the last edit before the copy-edit/proof-read. A little less intense than a developmental edit, but close. Every word counts at this stage. I was changing some dialogue, changing the order of events in some scenes. Making sure it all worked. One scene I took apart completely and put back together again.

Evil Monkey:
So it’s really and truly done now? We won’t be hearing any more false cry-wolf “I finished Finch! Woo-hoo!” noises from you?

Jeff:
You’re kind of a bastard.

Evil Monkey:
Oh, yeah, I know. Awww. You lived this novel the last three, four years. Now you’re feeling like you lost your best friend. Get over it. I lost my best friend last month. He was a good monkey, but he had strange ideas about the right time to throw his feces around. Got him in the end.

Jeff:
That’s…oddly un-inspirational.

Evil Monkey:
Seriously, though, what’s the big deal? Them’s just words on a page.

Jeff:
I don’t want to get into it.

Evil Monkey:
What if I poke you with this stick. Poke poke poke.

Jeff:
Stop it!

Evil Monkey:
So what gives?

Jeff:
No biggie, just on and off you’re like an actor inhabiting a role. In this case, I had to keep inhabiting John Finch, this detective called on to solve a really strange double-murder.

Evil Monkey:
Is he a jerk?

Jeff:
No. He’s not. He’s just somebody in the wrong place at the really wrong time. Or the right time. Depending on how you see it.

Evil Monkey:
And what was so hard about inhabiting him?

Jeff:
Nothing much. Just, a lot of really bad stuff happens to him. And you keep going through that in draft after draft. And you keep trying to cut words while continuing to layer things in and after awhile…you get kinda invested.

Evil Monkey:
So you like this guy, this Finch?

Jeff:
I do. I didn’t know if I would, going in. But now I do. And the novel’s kind of at street level, so you’re almost seeing a lot of it from the equivalent of a hand-held camera.

Evil Monkey:
Is it a comedy, this novel?

Jeff:
No.

Evil Monkey:
Lots of explosions?

Jeff:
Yeah, actually. Now that you ask, yeah, it has a lot of explosions.

Evil Monkey:
So I might actually like this one?

Jeff:
Depends. How do you feel about torture?

Evil Monkey:
Love it!

Jeff:
People turning into mushrooms?

Evil Monkey:
Love it!

Jeff:
People blowing up?

Evil Monkey:
Love it!

Jeff:
You’re a sick bastard.

Evil Monkey:
Hey, you wrote it, you stupid mofo. If I read the sick writing you sickly wrote, it ain’t my fault if I like it. Stop writing that sick shit. Start writing something cute and cuddly. I might still read it. I might throw up a little in my mouth, but I’d still read it.

Jeff:
Finch, maybe you should have a little talk with Evil Monkey.

Finch:
He seems like he has something to hide. Do you?

Evil Monkey:
Whoa. Who the fuck is this?

Jeff:
Finch. I told you.

Evil Monkey:
He’s in your imagination, dude.

Jeff:
Er, so are you.

Evil Monkey:
You bastard!

Jeff:
I’ll leave you two to have a “discussion”. I gotta get back to sleep.

Finch:
We can do this easy, or we can do it hard. Your choice.

Evil Monkey:
This here broken beer bottle says it’s gonna be hard on you. Bring it on!

Mord:
OOOH GOOD, FIGHT!

Wombat:
Fight always good.

Marmot:
Love a good fight.

Frog:
Fighting makes me happy.

Meerkat:
Will it take long?

Squid:
Does it matter? We’re here anyway.

Gray cap:
Soon, we will rule the world.

Evil Monkey:
Fer the love of all that’s not schizo…make it stop…

9 Responses to “Evil Monkey Interrogates Finch”

  1. Larry says:

    Ha! :P Now all we need is for a talking squirrelgram to complete the facets of your Id, huh, Jeff? ;)

    Glad to hear all the major edits are done on both works :D

  2. Tero says:

    You’re a strange little man, my friend.

    (And I only say “little” because you’re outside punching distance so I figure I’m safe.)

  3. jeff vandermeer says:

    I am just overrun with totem animals is all.

  4. Grant Stone says:

    MORD WRITE BOOK FOR CHILDREN. DANCE, HAPPY CRUNCHY TASTY CHILDREN. WHY NOBODY WANT TO PUBLISH MORD’S BOOK?

  5. Ennis Drake says:

    So, is this the preface to the chapter on Fragmentation from Booklife? :p It should be.

    This is why people think writers are boozing nutjobs. I mean, aside from the fact that some of us _are_ boozing nutjobs.

  6. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    But…but…I accomplished this post without booze. Really, I’ll tell you what it is–whenever I go for a long period without writing new fiction, say a couple of weeks, there’s all of this heat lightning that, unfortunately, readers of facebook and this blog bear the brunt of. LOL! I’ll settle down as soon as I get into Borne.

    jeffrogmarmotthang

  7. April 24, 2009 | Bloggle says:

    [...] VanderMeer Gets the Coolest Covers [...]

  8. Ennis Drake says:

    Hey man, if you want to write sober posts, nobody’s stoppin’ ya. I wouldn’t do it. But nobody’s stoppin’ ya.

    PS: Tell us more about Borne, Jeff. You know you want to . . .

  9. Michael says:

    Evil Monkey and Mord should team up for an Action-Buddy-Story. …. or at least a guest blog.

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