Evil ‘n’ Mord on The Mutant Chronicles

Jeff VanderMeer • April 11th, 2009 @ 10:43 am • Evil Monkey

Note: Read no further if easily offended…

Evil Monkey:
What in the name of fuckety-fuck-fuck is that?!

shardik-small

Jeff:
That’s just Mord.

Evil Monkey:
He’s like 30 stories tall and his breath smells like maggots have been throwing up in his mouth for centuries. Why the hell did you let him in here?

Jeff:
You don’t “let” Mord in. He goes wherever he wants.

Evil Monkey:
I bet he does. So long as there’s no roof.

Mord:
MONKEY FLESH TASTE LIKE LEMUR. LEMUR TASTE LIKE CAT. MONKEY CAT?

Evil Monkey:
Brain scientist is he?

Jeff:
He has his moments. He’s visiting while I write him into a novel. You wanna come over here and join us?

Evil Monkey:
I’m just fine right here behind this anti-aircraft gun, this mortar, this wall of sandbags, and this gatling gun, thank you very much.

guns

Mord:
YOU LOOK DELICIOUS.

Evil Monkey:
No! Not delicious. Seditious.

Mord:
LOOK DELICIOUS TO MORD.

Evil Monkey:
No. NOT DELICIOUS. Stringy, poisonous, irritable, and defiant. “Delicious” is about to put a 24-inch mortar shell through your pelt.

angry-monkey

Jeff:
So…not to change the subject, but the Mutant Chronicles movie is on pay-per-view in advance of appearing in theaters. I thought we’d have a nice bonding experience by watching it out here, er, as part of a picnic.

Evil Monkey:
If you think I’m taking my eye off of this giant fanged deranged furball for more than five seconds at a time, you’re fucking crazy.

Mord:
GRILLED OR RAW? MORD HATE SKEWERS. HOP IN MOUTH?

Jeff:
Just settle down! Both of you! Mord’s not going to eat you. Mord, you’re not going to eat him.

Mord:
MORD DO WHATEVER.

Jeff:
JUST BOTH OF YOU SIT DOWN AND WATCH THE EFFING MOVIE BEFORE I HAVE TO BREAK SOME SKULLS!

Evil Monkey:

Mord (hopeful):
SKULL CRUNCH?

Evil Monkey:
I’ll get through this somehow.

[...two hours later...]

Mord:
HE TALK LIKE IRISH PEOPLE I DEVOUR. BUT LOOK MORE LIKE

hellboy

Evil Monkey:
That’s just because his robes were red, dumbass.

Mord:
THOUGHT THAT BLOOD ON OUTSIDE. WANT TO SEE YOUR BLOOD ON OUTSIDE?

Evil Monkey:
Bring it on, Lenny.

Jeff:
Er, yes, Ron Pearlman. One of my favorite actors. Wearing the same damn red robes the whole time, just so he could be like a beacon to the mutants.

Evil Monkey:
Mutants were cool at first. They killed everything like really quick.

Mord:
MUTANTS NOT EAT WHAT KILL.

Jeff:
But then by the end, it was like they’d gotten all ‘tarded. They still had those cool claw/sword hands but a group of 10 or 12 just takes out hundreds of them.

Mord:
EDWARD SCISSORHANDS FAVORITE MOVIE. CRY AT END.

Evil Monkey:
OMFG.

Jeff:
Notice that the bonding experience on the airship with all the hired killers–a lot like the opening scene of Predator on the helicopter.

Evil Monkey:
Yeah. Kind of the men-talk-like-shitheads scene. All lookitthembreasts, got me some of that or gonna get me some of that, har har har, smoke a cigar, slap a back, but you know they’re all dying a little inside and reading Beckett when no one is looking.

Jeff:
No. No they’re not. They’re not even reading Pelican Brief on the side. They go home to their cardboard slots in the writer’s two-dimensional skull and wait to be pulled out for the next generic talkin-obliquely-bout-womenfolk-nasty-like scene. And why is it the Asians in these things always know some variation on kung fu?

Mord:
WHERE PELICAN? TASTY?

Evil Monkey:
Archetypal?

Jeff:
More like lazy-typal.

Evil Monkey:
And what about the airship itself? That thing–

Mord:
LIKED AIRSHIP. NICE AND SLOW LIKE FLOATING BUFFET. PLENTY TIME SCOOP OUT MEAT.

Jeff:
Um, that was the least efficient Steampunk airship in the history of cinema.

Evil Monkey:
No kidding. It was as if George W Bush were in charge of the engineering team and said, “no safety rules, burns 100 tons of coal for every foot it travels, has its gunnery station exposed so anybody can blast it away, you can only track stuff through the sky by looking into this tiny hole, and if something crashes into it, even something small, the entire ship blows up real good.”

Jeff:
Yeah. And any African Americans on the ship. they die first. Cause ya know African Americans hate Steampunk airships anyway.


(Evil: Heroic white guy talks briefly to black guy who doesn’t even want them on his shitty airship, and knows deep down inside that he’s about to take one for the team. Director: “Er, it’s nothing personal, it’s just the movie ends in a hole in the ground and it’s really dark so only white guys, who kinda glow, will show up on film.”)

Mord:
NOT UNDERSTAND MOVIE. NO ONE EAT WHAT THEY KILL. HORRIBLE.

Evil Monkey:
It wasn’t a bad movie. It was a strange movie. It had a cool initial concept. It had Malkovich phoning in four minutes of go-down-with-planet fatalism.


(Jeff: “Malkovich wondering when his scene will end and he can collect his million dollars. ‘Tis a far, far better thing I do now than I have ever done, taking all of this money for no character development, a few world-weary sighs, and a quick mutant claw to the chest.'”)

Jeff:
No, it had some cool bits. That opening combat sequence was brilliant. It just got worse as it went along. And the stereotypes just piled up along with the body count.

Evil Monkey:
Kind of like Event Horizon, also written by the guy who wrote this one.


(“Ooooh. I wonder what’s inside. Could be a Cracker Jack prize. Could even be candy! It looks a little like an Iron Maiden mixed with a pinata, so mebbee it is candy! Oooh, I’ve waited a long time to open this thing. The whole darn movie. Mebbee it’s a perpetual motion machine. Or a time machine. Or a…naw, should just open it and see. Can’t wait.” [struggles with portal for a second...] “Ah, there. It’s creaking open. C’mon, can’t wait, can’t wait…What? WTF? THE DEVIL?! THE DEVIL’S IN THERE? JESUS CHRIST WHAT’S THE DEVIL DOING IN THERE?OH GIVE ME A BREAK. OH WTF. OH SO DISAPPOIN–“)

Jeff:
That kind of explains it. Event Horizon: When cool space effects are not enough, throw in the Devil. When the Devil isn’t enough, just end the film.

Evil Monkey:
The mutants are a little like devils.

Jeff:
Creepy, weird, strange devils…for about half an hour. Then they’re creepy, weird, strange ‘tards.


(Mord: “MORD WANT MAP. NO SNOW. THEN SNOW. PLAINS. THEN MOUNTAINS. MORD WANT MAP OF MEAT.”)

Evil Monkey:
You knew that one of them was going to be able to resist mutant conversion in some way toward the end. ‘Cause that’s always the way… must… fight… conversion… to… show… human… emotion… always… wins… against… unbeatable… machines…

Mord:
MAIN CHARACTER NAMED HUNTER, BUT NEVER EAT WHAT KILL.

Evil Monkey:
I’m with you there. That Mitch Hunter guy–not only did he never eat what he killed, he killed so much despite being a total moron.

ron-replace3
(Ron P: “Mitch Hunter…I…I think I love you…It might just be the throbbing mutant brain conversion talking…but…but…yer so beautiful…Do you…do you think you could ever love a guy who was in a shitty remake of Island of Dr. Moreau playing a hyena? Really, I was the best part of it. You can go look. I really was.”)


(Guy who played Hunter: “Oh, Ron, in some ways we’re too alike for love, you and me. We both have these gi-normous disgusting mutant boils on our foreheads. Fer instance. And in other ways, we’re too different. You’re a priest. I’m a raging asshole. It would never work, my darling. It would never work.”)

Jeff:
Yeah, he wasn’t the brightest bulb in the bunch.

Evil Monkey:
But he was white and buff, so he had to be the one to pull their asses out of the fire.


(“Mitch Hunter, you don’t love Hellboy. You love me. Remember me? The writer spent about 15 minutes at the beginning of the movie building up my character, then I supposedly got offed by the mutants after you had to leave me behind, so you’d feel all guilty and the audience would think you were kinda Deep and Soulful. Then I show up much much later being dragged randomly through a tunnel, still alive, just in time for you to see me being dragged and rescue me long enough to have a male bonding experience and me to ask after my kids [which was tough because of the aargh the burning the burning in my guts] before you have to shoot me, because I’m too far gone anyway, but thanks for that tender mercy ’cause it got me a little more screen time although I could’ve been edited out and who would’ve been the wiser? So I love you, Mitch, you raging jerk.”)

Mord:
SUCCULENT. DEVOUR.

Jeff:
…..

Evil Monkey:
Why didn’t they just finish the job the first time, though, when they sealed the mutants beneath the ground centuries before this story started? Just destroy the machine then? And why did some alien race send a machine to make mutants on Earth in the first place? Seemed a little inefficient. Like, they’ve got this advanced technology and they make this grossly ridiculous assembly line to mutant-ize Earth. Sounds like something you’d come up with after a few beers and a lot of pizza. If your pockets were full of 20-sided die.

Jeff:
I didn’t buy the technology at all. Any of it. Like, even with the machine, the most inefficient way to do it–that’s what they did. I didn’t believe these aliens ever got out of basic engineering class, let alone were able to build something that could travel through space.

Mord:
SOMETIMES MOVIE MAGIC CANNOT BE EXPLAINED. SOMETIMES, YOU MUST GO WITH YOUR GUT. MISE EN SCENE IS ALL.

Jeff:
Uh, yeah.

Evil Monkey:
(Jeff, now he’s just creeping me out. Can’t you do something?)

Jeff:
(He’s in my head, Evil. I can’t get him out. He’s in there with the wombat, the squid, the meerkat, and the talking mushroom. He’s not going anywhere soon. You’re gonna have to live with it.)

Mord:
(I HEAR YOU.)

Evil Monkey:
That’s it mofo.

Jeff:
Guys, how about we chill a little?

Mord:
HUNGRY NOW NOW NOW!

Evil Monkey:
Bring. It! Bring it on!


(Not to scale.)

6 Responses to “Evil ‘n’ Mord on The Mutant Chronicles”

  1. Michael says:

    Geeeeez! Now I HAVE to see this movie! ( just so I can MST3K-out on it. ) …. can Mord have his own daily blog? :P

  2. jeff vandermeer says:

    Mord will lose his mojo fer me novel if he has to be “on” every day.

  3. Allen Parmenter says:

    This is the kind of review that makes me think Bible End-Time prophecies are coming true.

    Just kidding!

  4. Jesse Bullington says:

    Oh, those crazy, hazy, lazy mutants days of summer! Raech and I watched this recently and were likewise amazed by the quality at hand. Thomas Jane was simply, well, simply Thomas Janeful. Perlman definitely did what he could with the material, but those chronicles were pretty crummy. All in all, kind of like a SciFi original movie with a comparatively higher budget but the same spotty CGI.

    You know what else this turkey had in common with Event Horizon? One Mr. Sean Pertwee meeting a miserable end–he’s Bloody McGash-Face, the dude the mutants apparently take several weeks to drag about a mile or two so’s Thomas can find him for one last bro-grab. He can be found in similar circumstances in the superior nonsense Doomsday, which you should definitely give a looksee if you were willing to sit through this…my friend John aptly described it as Mad Max meets Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, but as the director’s taking himself less than seriously it’s a good deal less painful than these here mutey toots.

  5. Autleigh says:

    The entire time reading through this, Mort sounded to me like Cookie Monster….

  6. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    LOL! Yeah, well, Mord doesn’t speak in the novel. He just roars.

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