Mord Says Penguin Blog Is Wrong Re 60 in 60: I Am Not Mad

UPDATE 4/10: Great. Now the National Post thinks I’m mad.

mord

Colin Brush on the Penguin Blog has the cojones to suggest I’ve gone insane from doing the 60 in 60:

It is a sad thing to watch a writer go off the rails. But in these Twittered, My-Faced, Spacebooked, blog-rolled times, any meltdown is bound to be tragically public…[long garble about my insanity]…Then on Tuesday, this post appeared on his blog (see the not-at-all-disturbing screen-grab above). Who knows what possessed him when he wrote it? Guilt perhaps. Shame maybe. Alcohol certainly. But also there is a kind of insane defiance at work here. The 60 days have long passed. The war is over, the battle lost. Yet he’s soldiering on nevertheless.

It’s true the news that a fourth army of 20 titles is forthcoming put a momentary icicle through the part of my brain not yet numbed by my reading thus far, but I am not in any way insane.

To prove, it, I am posting selections from my Facebook status messages for the last day or so (along with related comments), since these should provide a valid snapshot of my state of mind. Proving, of course, that I’m just fine.

9:53am
MORD NEW TO FACEBOOK. MORD LIKE TO CRUNCH BONES. WANTS TO FIND OTHERS LIKE TO CRUNCH BONES. OR SKULLS.

>>Dave Hutchinson at 10:10am April 8: MORD NOT WOMBAT.
>>Jeff VanderMeer at 10:11am April 8: YOU LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE A CRUNCH SKULL. WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND…FOR AWHILE…?
>>Nayad A. Monroe at 10:17am April 8: Me curious about crunch bones. Never try yet, but think about sometime. Tell about bone-crunch good-times?
>>Mark McLaughlin at 10:25am April 8: Gracious! Mord sounds like a scoundrel and a rapscallion. I shall not be sending him an invitation to the debutante’s cotillion!
>>Jeff VanderMeer at 10:28am April 8: NAYAD–YOU GOT SPEECH IMPEDIMENT, TOO? SKULL DON’T LOOK CRUNCHLIKE. ALL BONECRUNCH GOOD TIME. MCLAUGHLIN–DEBUTANTES EXTRA CRUNCHY.
>>Elizabeth Vander Meer at 11:54am April 8: Jeff, remember when we watched The Plague Dogs (right after, both of us disappeared into our rooms to cry, waahh!)?
>>Jeff VanderMeer at 12:02pm April 8: MORD REMEMBER PLAGUE DOGS. MORD LAUGH LONG TIME. THEN CRUNCH BONES.

2:36pm
MORD HUNGRY. WANTS HOTPOCKET. AND BUCKET OF GUTS.

>>Chuck Gannon at 2:50pm April 8: Mord: hunt the designers of new FB, Mord! Consume their useless, guts, Mord! Eat, Mord, Eat!
>>Heidi Nordberg at 2:56pm April 8: Mord–like Mordred, Mordor?Death, murder? Or a cute muppet sort of thing?
>>Jeff VanderMeer at 3:25pm April 8: MORD MORD. CHUCK LOOKS LIKE HOTPOCKET.
>>Chuck Gannon at 8:38pm April 8: (Sighting) Chuck is hotpocket with M82 Barrett. Nice Mord. No kill I.
>>Jeff VanderMeer at 10:50pm April 8: MORD NOT HURT BY BULLETS UNLESS YOU’VE GOT A MISSILE LAUNCHER. MORD MAKES GODZILLA LOOK TINY. PUNY GANNON. BULLETS TO MORD LIKE CHOCOLATE SPRINKLES ON YOUR ICECREAM GANNON.
>>Chuck Gannon at 11:11pm April 8: Man, first Mord is small enough to see humans as hotpockets. Now he’s as big as Godzilla! This Mord must be a monster straight out of the non-Euclidean domains of–SQUIDPUNK!
>>Jeff VanderMeer at 11:33pm April 8: MORD HAS BUDDED MINIONS TO EAT HOTPOCKETS.

5:01pm
MORD GO TO PASSOVER SEDER NOW. EAT EVERYBODY. EVEN ELIJAH. MMMMMM, HOTPOCKETS.

>>Sharyn November at 5:17pm April 8: the hell? jeff, are you really going to a seder?
>>Erin Kennedy at 5:29pm April 8: jeff, the passover bunny doesn’t like you talking about eating elijah like that!
>> Jeff VanderMeer at 5:49pm April 8: OF COURSE I’M GOING TO A SEDER. THAT’S WHERE ALL THE MEAT IS. ERIN–I WILL POST THE PHOTO BURNING THE EASTER PEEPS. I WILL, I TELL YOU.
>>George Kenneth Berger at 5:56pm April 8: And don’t forget The Four Questions! Chag sameach!
>>Jeff VanderMeer at 6:00pm April 8: FOUR QUESTIONS: WHO EAT FIRST? WHO EAT SECOND? WHO EAT THIRD? WHO EAT FOURTH?

10:52pm
MORD BACK FROM SEDER. EVERYBODY TASTE DELICIOUS. EVEN DOGS. EVEN MICE. EVEN CROCKERY. EVEN WALLS. EVEN ROOF. EVEN FLOOR. EVEN ROCKING CHAIR. EVEN GRANDMA.

>>Linda Moorcock at 10:58pm April 8: Look, let’s get serious here … what did Mord REALLY eat??hmm?
>>Jeff VanderMeer at 11:32pm April 8: BEFORE I DEVOURED ALL THE HUMANS, I PARTOOK OF THEIR HEROSES (?), THEIR FISHBALLS, THEIR BRISKET, THEIR TURKEY, THEIR MATZOH SOUP, THEIR DOGS, AND THEIR CHOCOLATE. THEN I DRANK THEIR DUTCH COFFEE, PISSED ON THE CARPET, AND TRASHED THE PLACE. THEN I GOT REALLY BIG, SMASHED THE ROOF, FLATTENED THE SURROUNDING HOUSES WITH A MONSTROUS FART, AND FLEW OFF INTO THE NIGHT.
>>Edward Morris at 12:14am April 9: Yay! And Mord Smash Happy Ever After…
>>Jeff VanderMeer at 12:27am April 9: MORD REMEMBER A TIME WHEN HUMAN. MUCH SMALLER. NOT EAT MEAT AS MUCH. HAD A JOB. USED TO WATCH BIRDS NOT SNAP THEM. LONG TIME AGO. NOT HAPPIER THEN. JUST DIFFERENT. DIDN’T HAVE TO SPEND TIME PICKING BITS OF MEAT OUT OF FUR. TORSOS ARE THE WORST. GET TANGLED. THEN THERE ARE THE ONES WHO TRY TO LIVE THERE. REALLY HARD TO CLAW OUT. YOU ONE OF THEM, MORRIS?
>>Edward Morris at 12:37am April 9: Nope, I live in the basement with the shroom people, and speak their papery language by this point. When I can see through the smoke…
>>Jeff VanderMeer at 12:43am April 9: COME OUT OF BASEMENT. MORD NEED SNACK. MORD NOT HURT MORRIS. JUST WANT TO TALK ABOUT…ABOUT…BASEBALL…MORD NOT EVEN WAITING RIGHT OUTSIDE OR ANYTHING. COME OUT MORRIS. TALKING ABOUT…BASEBALL…IS FUN.
>>Edward Morris at 12:47am April 9: PIRATES NOT GOING TO DO SHIT. AGAIN THIS YEAR. MORRIS COME OUT OF BASEMENT MORRIS HAVE FLAME NEED PORK RIBS. SLAUGHTER SMALL LOCAL ANIMAL. MAYBE NOT CAT. OK SWEET N SOUR PORK RIBS. BUT NOT MY CAT. TOO HARD TO CATCH…
>>Jeff VanderMeer at 12:49am April 9: OKAY, BASEBALL BORING. SHUT UP. CLIMB IN MOUTH PLEASE.

Comments

  1. drax says

    Oh. My.

    Well, this should set Mr Brush’s mind at ease.

    Thanks for the laughter that burst from my mouth in an out loud manner.

  2. moth says

    Oh dear. Love mord’s review of Plague Dogs. Saw it once in college. Since then it has been the subject of many jokes and threats (or we are watchign plague dogs…). Ah good times.

  3. says

    Am I the only one now wanting to see a Jeff/Evil Monkey/Mord dialogue on books, life, the universe, and everything?

  4. says

    I think it’s interesting to note:

    #1 Great Penguin War II?

    #2 Penguin Blogger assumes Jeff started perfectly sane. (Someone had to say it. No, I’m not afraid of Mord. He has to crawl over the corpse of Evil Monkey to take a shot at me. Evil owes me a bazooka to the brain for Nauticles.)

  5. says

    Well, on the bright side, at least Mord/you don’t plan on makin’ cracklins out of my intestines. And I guess a snapped head/neck bone would mean that annoying clicking sound when I turn my head would go away. Hrmm….tempting offer.

  6. Tony Vinci says

    I like where Larry is going with this. I’d love to see a Jeff/Evil Monkey/Mord dialogue (or, um, internal monologue or meta- / inter- textual dialogue . . . oh whatever the hell it is!) on just about anything. Though, if he/they ever publish anything like that, it would probably be only a matter of time before he/they land their own segment on VH1’s “Best Week Ever.” Oddly enough, I like the idea of Mord crunching Paris Hilton’s bones.

  7. says

    I am stunned that Mord would threaten to eat Elijah. Shouldn’t that initiate a universal reformat? Please tell him to stop risking total (i.e., total) data loss like that.

  8. says

    I have a preview from the Paris Hilton movie on my website. To bad it got relased onto the internet for everyone to watch. She did not want it to be public as it was her ex boyfriend Rick Salomon that leeched it.