Sign of the Apocalyse: Monitter

UPDATE: MONITTER GETS MUCH CREEPIER IF YOU TYPE IN: ultimate destruction, world domination, iron fist. IT GETS MUCH MUCH CREEPIER IF YOU TYPE IN: duck paddles, marmot pants, chicken knuckles…But I would sincerely suggest not putting dirty words into it. Because the amount of data streaming across the screen would blind a thing made entirely of eyes.

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OMFG. This is too much. I’m going to need monkeys to monitor the monkeys monitoring the monkeys that monitor the intertubes for me. Or, more seriously, this is part of the growing case for turning off and tuning out.

I typed in “ambergris” and this came up in the last two minutes:

Good: Got Myrtle Beach or Ambergris Caye 4 place to chill during recession. Bad: Chill-Out is lasting way too long for my own good !
condotels [Reply] [Retweet] [Profile] – 20:46
Lifestyle Update Smelly Ambergris and All: Unearthing Te Papa: On the day that the Whales| Tohor.. http://tinyurl.com/co8jt5
3News_Lifestyle [Reply] [Retweet] [Profile] – 20:14
#3News NZ: Smelly Ambergris and All: Unearthing Te Papa: On the day that the Whales| Tohorā exhibition.. http://tinyurl.com/ctq6db
3NewsNZ [Reply] [Retweet] [Profile] – 20:00
@curtb ya it is called ambergris wow that’s cool u knew that
flipflopkate [Reply] [Retweet] [Profile] – 18:04
Finally got a few photos up from our vacation in Ambergris, Belize. Enjoy! http://tinyurl.com/co88lo
Claudia_Imhoff [Reply] [Retweet] [Profile] – 13:09
1910s Ambergris Mines Company stock certificate http://tinyurl.com/dbva7p
sharegallery [Reply] [Retweet] [Profile] – 4:07
@ikofish haha. did you find the lucky chunk of ambergris? if you do, your blubber’s free.
maelinnium [Reply] [Retweet] [Profile] – 14:26
Oysters produce pearls. Whales produce ambergris. Trees produce sort-of maple syrup. We produce fingernails, hair, and phlegm. Epicfail.
thattoychick [Reply] [Retweet] [Profile] – 11:04
@buriedluck Ah, congrats :D
ambergris [Reply] [Retweet] [Profile] – 7:43
RT @scentart Contest: Beeswax Jasmine and Ambergris hair and eyebrow wax Musky and delightful.
Crystalgate [Reply] [Retweet] [Profile] – 14:16

My brain cannot. My brain cannot contain. My brain cannot contain all this. My brain cannot contain all this minute detail. There was a screaming across the sky, and it was my brain leaving my body–as demonstrated above.

No no no. Intertubes, I beg you: make us whole, don’t fragment us further. 2061: The smart ones got out before their brains collapsed in on themselves. The smart ones knew what was coming. The tweetapocalypse.

End transmission. Back to the meat world, where a shelf of fungus is as infinitely variable and viewable as the entire internets (cue: microscopic view; cue: infrared; cue: whole of human history documenting this one type; cue: bliss).

Evil Monkey:
Oh, you liar. You want to be more fragmented, not less.

Jeff:
Nope.

Evil Monkey:
I can have you symbolically looking like 100 square miles of interconnected Tinkertoy blocks in about a day, if you’ll just let the internets have their way with you.

Jeff:
Sadist!

Evil Monkey:
I’m just a twittering realist. You can’t fight the future.

Jeff:
Not when it’s coming in every pore, you’re right about that.

Comments

  1. Evil Monkey says

    You’re no damn monkey. There’s only room for one monkey in this here town.

  2. says

    “if you’ll just let the internets have their way with you.” heehee! I draw the line at the “twittering”. Something about everybody knowing exactly what you are doing at all times feels too Big Brother-ish to me. :P

  3. says

    I love it. Love it. I am now an orbiting observer with a headphone in hand, over one hear, listening to a cross-section of the earthling shared-mind.

  4. says

    there’s something about the design and the ghostly grey-on-black text that really accentuates the nighmarishness of the whole enterprise

  5. says

    I really should have read your whole post AND the comments before clicking on that cursed link. I frightened my children with my sudden, panicked cry. And by the way, did anyone else feel like they had been sucked into a Ray Bradbury story? I had a sudden memory of teaching F451 – god, ten years ago now – and having kids be totally incredulous at the whole idea of multiple and layered media stimuli. They did, however, love the idea of burning books. “So, um, that means? Like, Miss Barnhill? Even though, this book? It’s kinda lame and stuff? But we wouldn’t, like, have to write any more papers? In the future? Is that right?”

    “Um, no?” said I. And then I assigned a paper.

  6. says

    If only you could combine Monitter, Googlefight, and Credit Monitering Services into an unholy website of doom and judgment… Then, truly, the internet would rule the universe.

    And, if LOLcats were added? Our evil AI Spider overlords would be adorable.

  7. says

    IT GETS MUCH CREEPIER IF YOU TYPE IN:

    ultimate destruction
    world domination
    iron fist

    IT GETS MUCH MUCH CREEPIER IF YOU TYPE IN:

    duck paddles
    marmot pants
    chicken knuckles

  8. RobWeaver says

    “Congeries” and “profligate” stops ‘em in their tracks. I did have a third word that worked but I’ve forgotten what it was. Further attempts failed to hit the sweet spot. “Liminal”, “abstemious”, “silurian”, “millenarian” and “metempsychosis” all popped up at least once – which is some kind of good news, I suppose.