Evil Monkey’s List

Evil Monkey:
Idjut.

Jeff:
Moron.

Evil Monkey:
Cretin.

Jeff:
Martian.

Evil Monkey:
Martian?

Jeff:
It rhymes with cretin.

Evil Monkey:
No it doesn’t.

Jeff:
Cretian.

Evil Monkey:
I’ve decided I don’t like peoples much any more.

Jeff:
Me neither.

Evil Monkey:
Ya wanna ban some?

Jeff:
What’ll that do?

Evil Monkey:
Ya know, ya say, “I won’t read so-and-so.” Or “I won’t listen to so-and-so.”

Jeff:
Like, “I won’t read Britney Spears”?

Evil Monkey:
Er, kinda.

Jeff:
I won’t listen to Matt Staggs’ polka band anymore. He hates French horns.

Evil Monkey:
I won’t look at Cat Rambo’s pottery. She hates clay.

Jeff:
I won’t crunch Ekaterina Sedia’s faberge eggs underfoot. She hates chickens!

Evil Monkey:
I won’t watch John Scalzi’s puppet shows. He hates socks!

Jeff:
The Jonas Brothers. On the list!

Evil Monkey:
Donkeys!

Jeff:
Why?!

Evil Monkey:
I just hate ‘em, that’s all. From way back.

Jeff:
On the list!

Evil Monkey:
Apples that have gotten all rotten.

Jeff:
Jello shots. Gross!

Evil Monkey:
John Ringo!

Jeff:
Don’t you mean the other Ringo?

Evil Monkey:
No.

Jeff:
Rats that can’t hold their liquor.

Evil Monkey:
Wombats that carry machine guns.

Jeff:
Giant ravens with human feet!

Evil Monkey:
Okay, now maybe we’re straying from our original intent a bit.

Jeff:
Right, right. Should stay focused. Or at least more focused than that…

Evil Monkey:
Maybe longer lists. You start.

Jeff:
Chuck P. Jumped the shark.
Chuck Norris. Jumped a bigger shark.
Chucky! Ate the shark.
Um, let’s see. What about…No, not her. She’s a national treasure even if she’s an idiot.
No, not him. If I put him on the list I’ll never get any review coverage there.
No, he’s harmless. Just not someone you want to have to talk to in person is all.
I would put her on the list, but she’s got too big a posse. I’d spend days sorting that out.
And he smells bad, but that’s no crime.
That one helped me once even if he’s got a screw loose.
That other one didn’t help me, but I know he’s got a disease…

Evil Monkey:
Will you get on with it! What about publishing houses? You gonna put any of them on your list.

Jeff:
What would that do?

Evil Monkey:
Show ‘em who’s boss.

Jeff:
But…dozens and dozens of people work for some of those houses. How do you ban a whole publisher?

Evil Monkey:
It’s easy. You just do.

Jeff:
Well, what about dead authors? Celine was a racist pig!

Evil Monkey:
Ever learn anything from Celine?

Jeff:
Um, yeah. A few things.

Evil Monkey:
So you’d crawl over fifty nice writers who know jack-shit to get to one dead asshole with good advice?

Jeff:
Uh, I wouldn’t put it that way.

Evil Monkey:
I would. I guess Celine’s out. What about Hitler?

Jeff:
Never learned anything from Hitler.

Evil Monkey:
Okay, then, that’s a good start!
Hitler.
Stalin.
Darth Vader.
Scrappy Doo.

Jeff:
Evil Monkey.

Evil Monkey:
What. Did. You. Say.

Jeff:
You heard me.

Evil Monkey:
But, dude, I’ve been saving you from yourself for years and years. Without me, you wouldn’t have a pot to piss in.

Jeff:
Interesting perspective.

Evil Monkey:
Okay, then I’m putting you on my list.

Jeff:
Why?!

Evil Monkey:
Because I’m on your list.

Jeff:
So we’re not speaking to each other now?

Evil Monkey:
Not until you take me off your list.

Jeff:

Evil Monkey:

Jeff:

Evil Monkey:

Jeff:
I can’t stand this. I’m taking you off my list.

Evil Monkey:
I’m putting you on my list twice.

Jeff:
Bastard. I cast you out!

Evil Monkey:
The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a heav’n of hell, a hell of heav’n.

Comments

  1. says

    Does this mean Evil Monkey is setting up his own spin-off blog? If so, is it going to be more like “Joanie Loves Chachi” or more like “Enos”?

  2. says

    Marty: that’s debatable. My girlfriend frequently recounts the time in one of her classes at UCLA when somebody asked the lecturer “Yeah, Hitler was like, a bad guy in some ways, but was he, like, really nice to his friends?”

  3. Allen Parmenter says

    Hitler was very evil – but he DID give America all these great Jewish artists and intellectuals.

  4. Jeff VanderMeer says

    yep evil did paraphrase stagger lee, and quote milton. that monkey is well-traveled.

  5. says

    EM’s irrational and shortsighted and IGNORANT comments against wombats with machine guns means I can never read his words again and will now have to cross out the ones I tattooed to certain parts of my body. I shall replace them with words from Celine. (Celine Dion, that is.)

  6. says

    Whenever someone says “Joanie Loves Chachi”, I start in with the uncontrollable giggles. A little morning ridicule really is the secret for a perfectly lovely day.

  7. Timblynod says

    I’d like to see an interview between Evil Monkey and Milton. And Lovecraft. Might as well throw him in there, too.

  8. says

    My grad research was on Hitler’s religious beliefs and their expressions. Let’s just say Hitler apparently was a kickass ice skater and leave at that, lest Evil Monkey gets the wrong impression.

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