Evil Monkey’s Book Vs Book Contest: The Throw Down in Squid Town

Jeff VanderMeer • January 24th, 2009 @ 9:19 am • Evil Monkey, Photos


(Contest-eligible…)

Evil Monkey’s decided to hijack the books received posts for awhile. And he’s in a competitive mood. So, look at the match-ups below and give a rationale for which book will win in two or three of them–as well as which of them will ultimately Rule Them All. Contest ends Thursday night. Evil will send the person who provides his favorite reasons a couple of the books seen below (monkey’s choice). All rights reserved, except Evil’s right to kneecap anyone he likes…All books to foreign winners sent by aquatic mule.

Without further ado, Evil presents Richard Morgan versus pirates, Shaun Tan versus Dean Koontz, and much more…

17 Responses to “Evil Monkey’s Book Vs Book Contest: The Throw Down in Squid Town”

  1. Larry says:

    Well, let’s see…

    As Kermit the Frog used to opine, it isn’t easy being Green, so I would imagine in a hard-luck life, that Green would have learned how to fight and to inflict Purple and Black marks on all others, including Parker’s book, which doubtless is now truly Purple and Black.

    While Birmingham’s book looks like it’ll be packin’ the heat, we just saw how airplane engines can go kaput when little animals get in it, so Without Warning, that book will experience The Big No-No and drop dead at the sight of the cute furry rodents.

    So we have a case of The Steel Remains going up against Pirate Palooza. Since that pirate doesn’t seem to be Percy Farrell leading that particular palooza, and since apparently Morgan’s book will be a case of attack with The Steel Remains, let’s go with Morgan’s book in an epic duel, argh!

    Well, between The Night Club and The Twilight Herald we seem to have two ghost-women, but since clubs are cool and since that Twilight Herald appears to have its woman trying to mime along to the Divinyl’s “I Touch Myself,” I am going to have to go with The Night Club since there doesn’t seem to be as much ridiculous cover art posing there.

    Tales of Outer Suburbia at first glance might have a tough time going against the awesomeness that is Frankenstein: Prodigal Son, but in the Weird-O-Meter, a dude with a diving suit/astronaut mix is just so weird that doubtless he quotes Silent Bob like ancient mantras and he probably can bring the Kung-Phooey against Koontz’s book, so I vote for Tan’s book to be the winner.

    Witness will triumph over On Spec, because just don’t dismiss Africa without Africa rising up and stompin’ a mudhole in ya! Next!

    Subculture: The TPB versus Truancy: Origins is going to be a tough battle. I mean, truancy is cool, sometimes violent, and always subversive, while subcultures are bound to be just as likely to get crunk. So I had to ask myself, What Would Soulja Boy Do? My Inner Soulja Boy said that as cool as being late to school would be, that guy in the top left cover of Subculture would likely superman some ho’s, so I’m going with my Inner Soulja Boy there.

    Men of the Otherworld versus Girls Like Us? Pluh-leeze! If I have learned only one thing over the course of my brief life, it is that Men Don’t EVER Win in an Argument with Women. Girls Like Us, because doubtless Armstrong’s men know better and will give up the fight for a piece of the action later.

    In RASL we have a mysterious acronym going up against The Cartoon Marriage, with its cartoon wife KOing her husband with a well-thrown cake toss. See what I said above about women against men and add “and against drug-addled screaming dudes as well.”

    In Fall of the Templars we have a historical organization that has more wannabe cultists wanting to be part of its discontinued membership than we can shake Dan Brown-shaped sticks at. Swords, shields, all sorts of weaponry as well. But remember, Luke on the Loose is likely yet another one of those kid’s movies, like Kindergarten Cop, where by saying “Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina that any powerful warrior/musclehead/governor will be reduced to Playdough in the hands of a kid. Luke is such the kid that would make the Templars his pawns.

    Choosing between natural disasters is going to be a challenge. Maelstroms are TEH SUK when at see, but when one sights a comet, The Comet’s Curse has caused all sorts of calamities over human existence. Since humans still believe in the magical powers of American Idol and have bought tens of thousands of William Shatner’s music albums, I’m going with The Comet’s Curse on this one.

    There! Let’s see if TN is ruled ineligible after the fact :P

  2. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    Two or three, Larry. Two or three. Concentrate and focus. Disqualified for over-enthusiasm. – Evil.

  3. Larry says:

    Ha! :P Well, perhaps if this is considered as being a primer for all to steal as they may? Oh well, I guess jumping the blocks and not reading the italic fine print isn’t all that good of a thing. But there was a chuckle, no?

  4. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    Jeff’s persuaded me to reinstate you, with your first three.

    Sincerely,

    Evil Monkey

    Larry’s entries:

    As Kermit the Frog used to opine, it isn’t easy being Green, so I would imagine in a hard-luck life, that Green would have learned how to fight and to inflict Purple and Black marks on all others, including Parker’s book, which doubtless is now truly Purple and Black.

    While Birmingham’s book looks like it’ll be packin’ the heat, we just saw how airplane engines can go kaput when little animals get in it, so Without Warning, that book will experience The Big No-No and drop dead at the sight of the cute furry rodents.

    So we have a case of The Steel Remains going up against Pirate Palooza. Since that pirate doesn’t seem to be Percy Farrell leading that particular palooza, and since apparently Morgan’s book will be a case of attack with The Steel Remains, let’s go with Morgan’s book in an epic duel, argh!

  5. Felix Gilman says:

    voting cat in surprise fourth-round upset

  6. Celsius1414 says:

    TALES FROM OUTER SUBURBIA vs DEAN KOONTZ’S FRANKENSTEIN

    While old-fashioned diver costumes normally trump, pretty much nothing beats Frankenstein the Cimmerian. Koontz wins.

    SUB CULTURE vs TRUANCY ORIGINS

    Fukui would win based on the “Jet Li Movie Poster” coolness factor of the cover — the samurai sword is merely the exclamation point.

    MEN OF THE OTHERWORLD vs GIRLS LIKE US

    Girls like us. They really do. They also like men of the otherworld and their dramatic, shirtless poses. However, the collective feminine musical power of Weller threatens to drown out the thoroughly masculine aura of the appropriately named Armstrong.

    Armstrong gets the nod with the tantalizingly brash “Where exactly is the light source in this painting?” presentation after Weller’s subjects get in a deep conversation about, uh, girl stuff. ;)

  7. SMD says:

    The Steel Remains vs. Pirate Palooza vs. Cat and Maelstrom vs. The Comet’s Curse vs. Cat
    Unfortunately, it is well known that cats are immortal, immune, and indestructible. Why you have placed the cat in these matchups defies logic. How can we possibly say that any of these novels could defeat a being that simply cannot be touched? Do they books harbor a godlike ability to send cats back to the underworld? Has this particular cat been tamed so as to accept “defeat” when it should arise?
    I also think there’s a bit of clever wordplay in the titles, which you probably thought up being in the presence of a cat. We know for a fact that cats created the pirates and are responsible for all maelstroms and other water-based disasters (particularly tsunamis, as cats use these as punishments on mankind under the assumption that we are afraid of water as well, although they suspect it is for entirely different reasons–they don’t like water because they don’t like being dirtied by an uncleansed substance and we apparently just don’t like hydrogen).
    But perhaps the cat’s placement is an accident. In that case, I have the following take:
    The pirates will always beat the remains of steel because, well, pirates being a crafty people are well adapted to making use of the remains of steel (and boats) against their owners. Hence why the French Revolution started.
    In the case of the other, I suspect that the comet’s curse would beat out any attempt by a maelstrom to win in a battle of destruction. After all, maelstroms are terribly localized (in the ocean and other bodies of water) and comet’s, in cursing the world, have the ability to strike where it hurts most: Disneyland.

    And that’s all from me.

  8. J. T. Glover says:

    GREEN will clearly triumph over PURPLE AND BLACK. Jay Lake writes like the green things of nature grow: slowly, quickly, narrowly, and widely all at the same time. Every time I turn around, he’s got a new novel or story or something out (and he also writes well, which makes me wonder if he’s, like, some sort of T-9000/Swamp Thing crossbreed). By the time PURPLE AND BLACK turns around, GREEN will have overwhelmed it, planted seeds in the binding, and drained all sustenance from the pages–and sprouted sequels, connected stories, or making-of blog posts. I’m sure PURPLE AND BLACK is very good, and will provide much nourishment, but really it never had a chance.

    TALES FROM OUTER SUBURBIA will beat FRANKENSTEIN: PRODIGAL SON by slow death. Suburbia, much like kudzu, always wins. I don’t care how many genetically engineered monsters Koontz throws up, there will always be a soccer mom zooming around the corner in an Escalade while chatting on the cell phone–or a pack of hungry wandering dogs–or a housing covenant so restrictive that anything Frankensteinian is vaporized when it comes into sight. I repeat, Suburbia always wins.

    RASL THE DRIFT conquers any books of cartoons put out by the New Yorker. While the New Yorker characters were putting on their sweater vests, Rasl snuck in and actually stole the cartoons themselves. So now you’ve got a bunch of characters running around in search of a cartoon. It’s like some kinda play or something!

  9. Samuel Tinianow says:

    My picks:

    Purple and Black because it’s two against one and black can hide in the shadows for a sneak attack.

    Tales from Outer Suburbia because, as a Frankenstein scholar, Dean Koontz’s butchery can #%&@ing suck my &@&%. I mean, seriously, Dean Koontz? When is James Patterson’s A Tale of Two Cities coming out?

    Subculture because anything with a katana against a modern backdrop on the cover is asking for it.

    But the ultimate champion will be The Big No-No. Because I have braved the depths of the dreamworld all the way to the gates of unknown Kadath and I have glimpsed The Big No-No which can have no other name, and I tell you that our world will crumble before It when It comes for us.

  10. Lane says:

    GREEN vs PURPLE AND BLACK promise bruises all around. As someone who has gotten into a fight with an unplugged television and lost (yeah, I may have had a few, but that TV was asking for it), I can attest that bruises turn green after they begin as a mix of purple and black, leading me to believe that the fight actually finished up to a week ago, and that Jay Lake took the lesser beating, as his bruises have already begun to turn.

    In the showdown between RASL and CARTOON MARRIAGE, it would appear at first glance that the New Yorker wins, as the bride has clearly ko’ed the groom, who fell so hard he fell face first with a shocked grimace onto the cover of Jeff Smith’s book. However, as we all know, most marriages end in divorce, and cartoon marriages are especially susceptible, as evidenced by their inability to last more than one panel. So Jeff Smith manages to outlast. Even with that opening blow, he can lie face down for as many panels as it takes to win, or through the magic of multi-panel comics, even get up.

  11. Lane says:

    Oh, and far as who will end up as He Who Will Rule Them All, it looks like the last man standing will be Shaun Tan’s TALES FROM OUTER SUBURBIA. He’s got a plan with that diving suit. As long as Richard K. Morgan is correct and THE STEEL REMAINS, Tan will be able to outlast anyone in his steel diving suit.

  12. Paul Jessup says:

    This seems like fun…

    Green vs Purple and Black
    Green wins because Green is the color of supernatural objects and places within The Red Badge of Courage. This means that Green is actually Red, and Red is made of win. So, by power of transference, Green wins.

    Without Warning vs The Big No No
    The Big No No wins. It has mice. Mice will eat through books. Mice will survive any danger, any warning. And the mice will hijack the airplane on the cover of Without Warning, fly it to Cuba and hold a coup. After they are done with their coup de tat they will eat coup de tater tots. And tater tots are awesome.

    The Fall of the Templars vs. Luke on the Loose
    Luke wins. He has the holy grail, which the templars want. But they can’t have it because Luke is a ninja. And he can turn invisible at will. So he’s an invisible ninja.

    Who wins the most?

    Luke on the Loose. Invisible ninjas are always made of win.

  13. sinema says:

    At first I thought you told Google to call the library, and it did, and that blew my mind.

    Then I realized that you actually called the library, and my mind became unblown.
    I’ll get back to work…

    If you ask my opinion about this topic I really like. Thank you for sharing your friends. Hope to see you another day.

  14. Sine-Göz says:

    Thank you for some other informative web site. The place else may I get that type of info written in such a perfect way? I’ve a mission that I am simply now running on, and I have been on the look out for such info.

  15. telecharger pdf creator says:

    Heya i’m for the primary time here. I came across this board and
    I to find It truly helpful & it helped me out a lot.
    I hope to offer one thing again and help others like
    you helped me.

    my site: telecharger pdf creator

  16. mobile chess games says:

    I am sure this article has touched all the internet people, its really really pleasant post on building up
    new webpage.

  17. candy crush saga cheats level 35 says:

    you’re truly a just right webmaster. The website loading pace is incredible.
    It kind of feels that you are doing any unique trick. In addition, The contents are masterwork.
    you’ve done a magnificent job on this topic!

    Also visit my web-site: candy crush saga cheats level 35

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>