Partying with Evil Monkey: New Year’s Resolutions and Predictions

Jeff:
Uhh! Stop doing that, Evil!

Evil Monkey:
Just checking to see if you’re dead yet.

Jeff:
Well, I’m not. So stop poking me with that stick.

Evil Monkey:
Take the long view. Soon enough, I’ll be poking you with that stick for a very good reason.

Jeff:
That’s somewhat macabre.

Evil Monkey:
Thought for sure this 60 in 60 thing would kill you. Thought it would happen long before the New Year. Cigar?

Jeff (sighing):
Sure. Why not.

Evil Monkey:
Here’s a glass of brandy to go with it. I know you’d rather be drinking with Ruskin, but there’s no avoidin’ drinkin’ with me, my friend.

Jeff:
Whatever happened to you helping me out with the 60 in 60?

Evil Monkey:
Got distracted. Found a piece of string. Much more interesting.

Jeff:
…It’s pretty dead outside. Pretty dark.

Evil Monkey:
Everybody is out partying. It’s New Year’s Eve!

Jeff:
Made any resolutions?

Evil Monkey:
I’ve resolved not to stir things up for awhile. I’ve resolved to make you shape up or ship out.

Jeff:
I’ve resolved to bury you in a casket under fifty feet of dirt.

Evil Monkey:
I’d just dig my way out.

Jeff:
I’ve resolved to blow you up with dynamite.

Evil Monkey:
I’ve resolved to become impervious to explosives.

Jeff:
I’ve resolved to get inside the mind of a rubber ducky.

Evil Monkey:
I’ve resolved to turn rubber duckies into meat!

Jeff:
I’ve resolved to learn how to David Blaine broken glass.

Evil Monkey:
I’ve resolved to learn how to David Blaine M. Night Shambalayan movies.

Jeff:
I’ve resolved to stop spelling that guy’s name wrong.

Evil Monkey:
I’ve resolved to start calling myself “Lord High Commodore Monkey.”

Jeff:
I’ve resolved to start calling you “Schmuck Low Ball Dunce Cap Funkybutt.”

Evil Monkey:
I’ve resolved to start calling you “Ed the Horse.”

Jeff:
I’ve resolved to just beat you to death with this here stick.

Evil Monkey:
I’ve resolved to become impervious to being beat to death with that thar stick.

Jeff:

Evil Monkey:

Jeff:
Got any predictions?

Evil Monkey:
I predict you will grow a huge goiter on your neck–and it will write better than you do!

Jeff:
I predict that you will get sick of throwing your own feces against the wall and start throwing other people’s!

Evil Monkey:
I predict you will accidentally put yourself through a wood chipper!

Jeff:
I predict you will never be more chipper than you are tonight!

Evil Monkey:
I predict that sailing ships will develop cancer!

Jeff:
I predict that whales will develop thumbs and take over Manhattan!

Evil Monkey:
I predict that Manhattan will cast thee out like theeeeeee infidel you are!

Jeff:
I predict that Manhattan will lay off more editors–and replace them with naked mole rats!

Evil Monkey:
I predict that paper will become money!

Jeff:
I predict that you will become money!

Evil Monkey:
Awww. Why can’t I quit yew?

Jeff:
I predict that I am pretty!

Evil Monkey:
Happy New Year everyone!

Comments

  1. says

    Happy New Year to everyone!

    My New Years Revolutions:

    1. Proofreead my blog comments before clinking hittinf the “submit” botton

    2. Don’t lie to people about having “jammed with Lynyrd Skynyrd back in the day” just because I live in Jacksonville, FL

    3. Write a letter to Fisher-Price asking, if you can make a real digital camera for children that’s water-resistant, padded against impact, “tough enough and simple enough for kids to use”, why couldn’t you have made one just like that for adults three Christmases ago?!

    4. Study Dr. Mabuse movies to figure out how to influence goons to do my bidding without leaving my couch

    5. Write more, badger VanderMeer less

  2. Transfiguring Roar says

    How random is that badger thing? lol

    Happy new year, Jeff. All the best to Ann and yourself for this year, mate.

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