Evil’s Infernal 60-60 Offer


(Design by the Evil Genius.)

Evil Monkey:
Psst.

Jeff:
Uhhh! Geez, Evil, you scared the crap out of me.

Evil Monkey:
Evil is as Evil does.

Jeff:
What the heck are you doing in that alley? Why’s that guy got no shirt? Um, why’re you wearing a shirt.

Evil Monkey:
No more questions. Just keep an eye on him. I’ve got his wallet.

Jeff:
What? What the hell?

Evil Monkey:
Okay, short answer: I was waiting for you, my friend. Waiting to extend an…infernal offer.

Jeff:
Last time I took you up on an infernal offer, I wound up in a bathtub, drowning in beer.

Evil Monkey:
Exception that proves the rule.

Jeff:
Time before that, I wound up mud wrestling with Scott Sigler.

Evil Monkey:
An anomaly of ridiculous proportions.

Jeff:
And the time before that, I had to outrun a wild pig.

Evil Monkey:
That, my friend, was all on you.

Jeff:
Okay, okay. Just tell me and get it over with.

Evil Monkey (winking):
Let me help you with the you-know.

Jeff:
The you know what?

Evil Monkey:
The 60…in…the 60…

Jeff:
Hell no. That’d be cheating, Evil.

Evil Monkey:
You know it’s gonna kill you. You know it’s gonna be the death of you.

Jeff:
I’m doing fine.

Evil Monkey:
You got through Schopenhauer just barely, but the cracks were showin’. In a week, they’ll find you in a back alley plastered out of your mind with moonshine and hookers.

Jeff:
You are confusing your recent memories with my reality.

Evil Monkey:
You ain’t gonna make it through Kierkegaard, my friend. You’re not even going to make it through Hobbes.

Jeff:
Oh, f— off.

Evil Monkey:
And what about when you get to Pascal and Smith?

Jeff:
By then I’ll be on painkillers, but I’ll muddle through.

Evil Monkey:
Give me Pizan, Castiglione, Bacon, Veblen, Arendt, Baboon, and Gibbons. You’ll feel better.

Jeff:
Those last two aren’t in the series.

Evil Monkey:
Just give ‘em to me, Jeff. It won’t cost you much.

Jeff:
Just my soul.

Evil Monkey:
You’re not really using it. Besides, I’m now incorporated.

Jeff:
No way. People would know. There would be an infernal smell.

Evil Monkey:
Just one or two…or you’ll crack. You’ll crack like a roasting chestnut, like a cheap deck, like a drug addict, like a gerbil forced to study algebra, like a duck forced to recite the alphabet, like a…

Jeff: I get it! I get it!

Evil Monkey:
It’ll be our little shameful secret…

Jeff:

Evil Monkey:
I won’t never tell no one about it, I promise, Jedediah…

Jeff:

Evil Monkey:
Stella! Stella!

Jeff:
Okay, fine. Take all of Freud. Take all the boring ones.

Evil Monkey:
You won’t regret it, my friend, my shadow, my canary.

Jeff:
Why can’t I quit yew.

Evil Monkey:
Because I’m too purty…could you kick that guy in the head? Looks like he’s waking up.

Comments

  1. JesseFord says

    I’m glad to learn that Evil Monkey actually does exist, and he’s not just an avatar of your warped, fevered mind. It makes me feel so much better. When is he getting his own blog and where can I get some t-shirts?

  2. says

    After you (and evil monkey) do 60 in 60, you will have to get your head back with reviews of 60 beers in 60 days.

    Or, six beers in six minutes.

    Whichever works best for you.

  3. says

    He’s finally gone off his bean. Bound to happen. Non-stop round-the-clock and whatnot.

    This goes back to that monkey bite in the Calcutta zoo, I’m telling you.

  4. Samuel Tinianow says

    On one hand, you’d be missing out on some interesting stuff in Freud. On the other hand, I really want to see Evil Monkey do Freud.

  5. says

    There has to be a local taphouse that prides itself on massive selection of obscure world beers, like a Gingerman’s or a Flying Saucer (which we have in Texas).

    These sorts of places usually have wifi, and you could do your sixty beers in sixty days on location, at their bar.

    That’s cheap and easy promotion for the bar (or bars) in question.

    I’m sure Evil Monkey knows a place or two.