the pitch
OK. Down to business. Jeff returns in a matter of days. My control over the blog is only fleeting. The sensible thing to do, the responsible thing to do, is to loot this thing’s assets while his attention is elsewhere. Quick now. Everything must go. Who wants to buy space on the blogroll? Who wants to run hideous ads all over the nice blue background? I will be securitizing all future income streams from all youtube videos posted here and selling shares on the NY stock exchange, using the comments as collateral. This makes sense. It does. It has to do with derivatives and the Black-Scholes equation, it’s very complicated. Trust me, I am wearing a tie. I will be selling off that bird on the globe at the top of the page. Who wants to make a bid for Evil Monkey?
Bids in the comments please. The important thing to remember is that this all makes sense, and it is all perfectly legal, and it is all in the finest traditions of responsible 21st century capitalism.
Disclaimer: this is not legal, and does not make sense.
December 1, 2008 at 11:27 am
Still, how much for the bird?
December 1, 2008 at 11:49 am
that’s not just any bird
that bird has seen things, that is a bird of profound wisdom and knowledge
it shits high-grade cubic zirconia
bidding starts at one million dollars
December 1, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Is it house trained?
December 1, 2008 at 12:58 pm
I thought Evil Monkey was leaving in January to become a tour guide at the George W Bush Presidential Library and Sewage Farm?
December 1, 2008 at 1:09 pm
I’m selling derivatives of Evil Monkey.
December 1, 2008 at 1:21 pm
monkey futures! high finance at its best
not to mention the Evil
December 1, 2008 at 2:17 pm
I know a guy can shift some of those blue pixels for ya, cash only, no questions asked.
December 1, 2008 at 3:26 pm
how is he at subduing monkeys?
December 1, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Do the swirly things come with the bird?
You’re a king mixer, you are, Gilman. I suppose if you’re wearing a tie, it’s okay, though.
December 1, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Yeah, he’s not so good with the monkeys. Why he got the name Joe ‘monkey-glued-to-face’ Briggs. Wasn’t for that damn monkey he wouldn’t be up in scrubs right now.
Nah, Briggs is a good man for pixels, but for your basic primate submission jobs, you want to be talking to Alex ‘monkey puncher’ Wentworth. Find him in a greasy spoon in Bermondsey most mornings. Don’t talk to him till he’s had his tea though or you might lose your teeth. Also, don’t bring the monkey with you. He don’t really like the monkeys, does monkey puncher Wentworth.
December 1, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Gilman lies – there’s no way he’s wearing a tie!
December 1, 2008 at 5:14 pm
the bird is house-trained
it produces a full array of swirly things once every fiscal quarter
it speaks seven languages, it is a licensed dental assistant, it knows krav maga, it can tell some fascinating stories about back in the day when it hung out with Sinatra and Sammy Davis Jr
just buy the damn bird, someone, time is running out
December 1, 2008 at 5:30 pm
Put a tie on the monkey
and bolo on the crow,
Bottle all the ink
From a siphoned squid flow.
What? Oh, sorry. Listening to Beck on the way home.
Well, I will need to see the bird’s papers. Is this the same bird what replaced Dean-o on the last tour?
Grant, ‘Monkey-glued-to-face’ – hilarious.
December 1, 2008 at 6:21 pm
I just want to corner the market on “ecstatic.” What if I were to sell some nice Florida basement apartment complexes to buy it? Would that be enough?
December 1, 2008 at 7:01 pm
How much to schedule a death match between the Krav Maga dealing bird of prey and this self-described evil primate?
December 1, 2008 at 7:10 pm
Today’s futures are so last century! Tomorrow it’s all superpositional. That’s right, take a position in everything, all at once. Until the wave function collapses, we’re all winners. Right?
Trust me. I don’t wear a tie but I’m sixteen and I drive a Ferrari.
December 1, 2008 at 7:30 pm
How much to schedule a death match between the Krav Maga dealing bird of prey and this self-described evil primate?
yes
yes
i need to find some way to steer this blog out to international waters, where monkey/bird knife fights can be staged with impunity
why are there no “steer for international waters” buttons in wordpress?
December 1, 2008 at 7:31 pm
What if I were to sell some nice Florida basement apartment complexes to buy it? Would that be enough?
depends on the supply of suckers in Florida
December 2, 2008 at 9:13 am
It was only a fairly narrow win for Obama there so I’m guessing there’s a pretty extensive supply.
Aren’t all blogs in international waters anyway? So presumably if I spend enough time on blogs I can avoid paying tax . . . .
December 2, 2008 at 12:31 pm
As a Florida resident I must caution everyone that alligator-riding gnomes inhabit most of our subterranean living spaces.
December 3, 2008 at 6:36 am
The republican core vote I assume?
December 3, 2008 at 12:33 pm
These creatures steal ballots and children under the cover of night. They grind up the ballots and send the children to foreign wars.