ENTER NEW CHALLENGER: STORMTROOPER
Stormtroopers aren’t just trained for combat, they’re genetically grown in test tubes and spawned for the sole purpose of conquering upstart little star systems. When the Empire opens a can of whupass, there’s stormtroopers in the can. They have high tech blasters. They have communications more advanced than flags and smoke signals. They have giant snow stomper thingies. They have shiny armour. Oh yes. Whupass.
That said, stormtroopers can’t beat ewoks for shit. Therefore, they lose. End of debate.
It thus becomes a matter of who would win harder and betterer, which is a tough call. A brace of pistols may not look like much when compared to a blaster, but it’s well know that it isn’t the tool that matters, only what you do with it. Kenobi may say they fire with precision, but all evidence indicates that stormtroopers cannot hit a target. At all. Pirates don’t even need to worry about taking cover in a fire fight.
There is the question of whether or not the ball of a musket would actually penetrate stormtrooper’s armour. A close range, certainly, but weapons range is not in the pirate’s favour in this instance.
It really doesn’t matter, though, as all standard issue Imperial armour is designed to kill the wearer if nothing else in the battle does. Seriously
Ewoks and sticks, remember? Sigh.
The same such advantages in combat apply to the ninja as well, adding that the vision- and hearing-restricting helmet also aid the ninja in sneaking up on and shanking a stormtrooper, which further enables them to steal the armour, disguise themselves and subvert the Empire from within.
What, then, is the deciding factor? Deceit. Stormtroopers aren’t above playing dirty, and have a habit of laying traps. See what happened to Han Solo? They turned him into sachetorte. And he, I might add, is a mighty fine pirate. You don’t see the Empire making sachetorte out of ninjas, do you? No. Because they’ve already subverted the Empire from within, and they’re the one making the sachetorte.
October 15, 2008 at 8:14 am
Stormtroopers? Seriously? Can’t shoot for shit, intensely dim-witted (“These aren’t the droids you;re looking for.”) and their standard reply to any situation is “What the?” Plus, they’re all clones, or copies, and since when are copies as good as the original? Inbreeding is not conducive to military strategy.
Edge: Ninjas.
October 15, 2008 at 8:31 am
I’d like to assume that by the time episodes 4-6 roll around, they would have opened the military to walk-ins.
This is probably not the case, though, as I’ve yet to know any government department that made sensible decisions in terms of recruitment.
October 15, 2008 at 9:11 am
Corey: If only the Emperor had conscripted the tentacle-donkey oracles of Space Delphi Three he could have scried “Multiplicity,” the 1996 documentary on the cloning of Michael Keaton, and seen what a bad idea his stormtrooper scheme really was.
Sir Tessa: “You don’t see the Empire making sachetorte out of ninjas, do you?”
Ha! That’s right: ha! Han Solo (wait for it)…was a ninja, not a pirate! Granted, he was disguised as a pirate throughout the series but dude was 100% ninja, as you admit! When did I admit that, I hear you thinking…right here, that’s where: “(a ninja would) steal the armor, disguise themselves and subvert the Empire from within.” Ha! That’s exactly what Han did…because he’s a ninja. A ninja what got himself turned into ninja sachetorte! Ha!
What if I’m wrong? Hey, it’s happened before. Twice in the last decade, in fact. So even assuming Han is pure pirate and the ninjas have subverted the Empire from within, where does that leave us? With only one interpretation: Star Wars is but a space opera mirror of that age old rivalry between pirates and ninja, with ninjas, by your own admission, playing the role of weak-ass stormtroopers to the pirate’s mighty rebels! Evidence: bunk ass uniform-colored costumes and shame-face concealing masks Vs. strapping leather vests and bandoliers. Ha! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa….
…aaah, I’m grabbin at straws, ain’t I? I’m so sorry, it all got a little real for me, a little too close to home. Sometimes I wish dad had never gone to that grocer at all, I miss him so much. Sometimes I wish I, I, I….
Wait a tic. Climbing trees, ambushes, traps, camouflage…Ewoks are ninjas, weird little koala-mutant ninjas! Ha! Apology rescinded, ewok-hugger!
October 15, 2008 at 1:30 pm
It thus becomes a matter of who would win harder and betterer, which is a tough call. A brace of pistols may not look like much when compared to a blaster, but it’s well know that it isn’t the tool that matters, only what you do with it. Kenobi may say they fire with precision, but all evidence indicates that stormtroopers cannot hit a target. At all. Pirates don’t even need to worry about taking cover in a fire fight.
Well, the stormtroopers on Tattooine might be the exception to that rule. (“look at the laser blasts. Too accurate for sand people.”)
October 15, 2008 at 7:53 pm
Well, the stormtroopers are obviously there in a transparent attempt to raise the body count. But for Tessa and others, here is a way of inflicting maximum carnage. I doubt any ninja or pirate could survive this.
October 16, 2008 at 12:55 am
I suppose I should have tested pirates and ninjas against ewoks, now I think about it. Although I do believe ewoks fall into the same category as dinosaurs and Armageddon!Squirrels, in that no one triumphs and/or survives.
This debate appears to have brought up some deep-seated issues for you, Jesse. I SENSE A REPRESSED NINJA. Come out of the closet already.
Paul, heh, hence I stated that it didn’t matter what Kenobi said, because all evidence points to the contrary. He’s just talking it up, you know, to make himself feel good about the clone wars. And that Jawa sand crawler? Not exactly a hard target to hit, even for a stormtrooper.
Larry, that was very disturbing. Stop that.
October 17, 2008 at 8:30 am
just saw larry’s video with squirrels… and now i know the above vanilla ice wasn’t aimed at me, but at larry. but… no matter how disturbing the squirrels video was, the vanilla ice clip is worse. ten times worse.