We’ve got a thing that’s called Cylon love…
Posted by Matt Staggs
I found this Q&A posted at Wired.com:
My husband wants to do some bedroom role play with a sci-fi twist — he’d like me to pretend I’m Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica (no, not the Dirk Benedict version). Bad idea?
Not as long as you two talk things over before donning flight suits. “Does he want to be sexually overpowered by a hard-drinking fighter pilot?” asks Rita Seagrave, a sexpert and dominatrix who runs KinkMogul.com. “Does he want to be shoved around the Pyramid court, or interrogated and dunked underwater by a sexy, rebellious blonde?” If any of those setups make you feel uncomfortable, let him know.
Once you’ve established the parameters of your scene, be sure to follow standard etiquette: Agree on a safe word and be gentle with each other’s spines and tailbones. And don’t get too carried away in the role — unlike Leoben Conoy, Starbuck’s Cylon admirer, your husband won’t regenerate if he’s stabbed.
It got me thinking of what a relationship column answering questions from fictional characters would like like:
Dear Abby,
Me am in love w/pretty blonde girl. Do anything for her. Beat up snake? Yes. Beat up dinosaur? Yes. Me even climb tall building. Nothing get her attention. What I do wrong?
King Kong
Well, this is just my goofy little example. I’m sure that you can do better. How about you post some relationship questions from the perspective of characters from movies and fiction?
June 3, 2008 at 11:23 am
me stuck in hospital for 3 hour stress test. me told doctor 2 hours late. me be here 5 hours now. no food or drink since last nite. me text from phone. polite to rip head off doc when he arrive. kong want know. kong also need entertainment. bored. dance comments dance!! jeff
June 3, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Dear Abby,
I find hairy feet very attractive. To be frank, attractive to the point at which it’s starting to interfere with my ability to do my job properly. Do you think I should confess my longings to my co-workers, or keep quiet about it and hope that they don’t catch me staring?
Yours,
Gandalf
Dear Abby,
My dog has no nose. How does she smell?
Yours,
Grenouille,
June 3, 2008 at 12:18 pm
dear matt staggs I keep killing people and then in my other persona having to attend boring london high society parties. how can I get out of these commitments so I can continue my rampage without interruptions?
June 3, 2008 at 12:23 pm
dear matt staggs I keep blacking out after extravagant and exciting london parties and when I wake up I am covered in other people’s blood. tell me how I can avoid this as to much more of this and I will not get many more invites.
June 3, 2008 at 5:30 pm
Dear Matt Staggs,
Everyone thinks I’m a monster. You’d be cranky too if your head was bolted on. I just want to meet a nice girl and settle down - I don’t care how many women she’s been assembled from.
June 3, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Dear Matt Staggs,
My girlfriend keeps asking me if I could take her flying. All the time, fly here, fly there. It’s not like I don’t have the super crime fighting thing I need to do. I mean, how can I keep track of Lex if all I’m doing is flying to the Fortress of Solitude each Thursday for a long weekend of Artic Expresses and streaming through the Northern Lights. How can I approach her to let her know that her flying fetish is really putting a crimp in keeping up appearances with my alter ego. I’m almost out of vacation days and Jimmy has already told me he’s not going to clock me in. Any advice would be appreciated.
Super
June 3, 2008 at 6:10 pm
Dear Mr.Stagg
My girlfriend’s become a right pain in the arse since Tom Jones started singing about her.
She’s nagged me to stop body-building and even gone as far as to shave my bloody head when I was asleep.
I feel so angry I could pull the flipping building down around our ears. Do you think I need to go to anger management, get a wig, or find myself a new girlfriend?
Thanks,
Sam Son
June 3, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Dear Mr. Stagg,
My boyfriend says he loves me but all he seems to do is oil his body and braid his hair (I swear I’m going to cut it all off the way he’s going!)
He get into fights all the time and ask stupid riddles like: “Out of the eater, something to eat; out of the strong, something sweet.”
I can’t even go to the pub quiz with him any longer because of his attitude. And when Tom Jones comes on the jukebox he starts pounding the walls!
What should I do?
Thank you,
D
June 3, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Oops, sorry Mr.Staggs, forgot the s :)
Sam and Del
June 3, 2008 at 7:50 pm
Mister Matt Staggs:
I have come to a strange city and am haunted by the memories of a huge bird. How can you help me? - Arjun
June 3, 2008 at 8:10 pm
Dear Gandalf (if I may; Mithrandir sounds so formal, don’t you think?),
Hobbit-attraction is not only nothing to be ashamed of, it’s perfectly understandable given that many hobbits are so devilishly attractive. Many hobbits also happen to be very, very gay so this shouldn’t present you with any social difficulty. If you care to Google (think of it as a fancy Palantir) the phrase “hobbits are very very gay” you’ll find that my esteemed colleague Dr Aristan has assembled all the relevant and incontrovertible evidence.
Yours,
Abby.
PS: Keep away from the elves, however. They’re also very very gay but they’re terribly bitchy with it. And jealous.
June 4, 2008 at 11:52 am
Dear Matt Staggs,
I hope you can help me. Lately I’ve become worried about my girlfriend Dorcas. I got over the fact that she appears to be a reanimated corpse, I mean this is the 2000th century, I’m an open-minded guy, but still. . .
It’s hard to put my finger on it exactly, but I think she might be my grandmother. Or possibly my granddaughter. Or an alien or a robot or from millions of years ago or millions of years in the future. I’m not sure. It’s all a bit confusing. I’m worried she might be symbolic of something and I’m not sure what.
How do I broach the subject without offending her? Will it hurt the relationship if I try to torture the truth out of her?
Yours anxiously,
Severian
June 5, 2008 at 12:50 am
Dear Thing on the Ice,
I’m really into this Esquimeaux girl who runs in and out the icebound ship I’m on. She’s a little young and she doesn’t talk, but none of those things bother me. I even gave her my beautiful heirloom handkerchief and I think she liked it! We went on a sort of date already and I almost sliced my lip off trying to eat seal blubber. So embarrassing…
Anyway, I’ve noticed that you seem to be connected to her in some way, so I guess my question is: should I worry about you eating me if I get too involved?
Your apprehensively,
John Irving
Third Lieutenant, HMS Terror
June 9, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Dear Abby,
I’m not sure how much longer I can stand the man I am sharing a flat with. He has shot the letters VR into the wall. He keeps his tobacco in a persian slipper. He sticks his mail onto the mantle with a knife. When he’s not on a case he shoots up cocain and morphine. He’s always doing these little deductive things that make me feel like I’m an idiot. He plays the violin at all hours. And finally he’s always experiementing with chemicals that smell vile. Oh, and let’s not forget he has a troop of boys he pays to root out information on the criminal underworld for him that he calls his Baker Street Iregulars.
I’m considering marrying a perfectly lovely woman I met during one of his cases. But he’s so vile in his reguards to women I don’t know how to tell him. Though he already knows I love her thanks to his deductions.
How do I cope with a genius who’s certainly insane?
Sincerely,
Dr. John H. Watson, MD.
June 10, 2008 at 4:53 am
Dear Matt Staggs
Ever since arriving on this desert planet, i’ve been having theese visions of a girl. I think i’m in love with her even if i’ve yet to meet her. But there is something about those blue-within-blue eyes that upsets me. Even worse, yesterday i think i saw a blue tint in my own eyes. Should i worry or will some spice-coffe fix it?
Paul A