Evil Monkey: The Speed of B.S.

Evil Monkey:
You write too slow.

Jeff:
Who asked you, banana breath?

Evil Monkey:
No need to get huffy.

Jeff:
Yeah, well…

Evil Monkey:
You said it on your blog.

Jeff:
I did.

Evil Monkey:
More or less.

Jeff:
You pass judgment too quickly.

Evil Monkey:
If you wrote faster, you’d be richer.

Jeff:
If you moved slower I’d wring your furry little neck.

Evil Monkey:
If you wrote faster but slept slower I’d be able to get all of that poison into the porches of your ears by dawn.

Jeff:
If you drank slower I wouldn’t have to drive you home every night.

Evil Monkey:
If you drank faster maybe you’d stop posting so many pointless blog entries.

Jeff:
If you were faster on the uptake you’d realize appearances are reality.

Evil Monkey:
If you were quicker-witted you’d realize this whole discussion is pointless.

Jeff:
You’d make a terrible slow writer.

Evil Monkey:
You’d make a terrible fast writer.

Jeff:
I don’t write to deadline! (*Beats chest*.) Look at me!

Evil Monkey:
That’s because nobody cares if you finish anything.

Jeff:
Nobody cares if I finish you off.

Evil Monkey:
If a tree falls on you in a forest while you’re writing your slow fiction, would there be a news report?

Jeff:
If a middle class, middle-aged writer throttled a sock monkey in the privacy of his own home, would said sock monkey make a sound?

Evil Monkey:
Yes, he would.

Jeff:
Oh.

Evil Monkey:
Why dost thou hate the fast writers, Jeff. Is it because thou are so slow?

Jeff:
I don’t hate the fast writers, but try to ask a bleepin’ question and the bullcrap rises to cover everyone!

Evil Monkey:
But slowly, my friend. Slowly.

(Originally ran on the old blog)

Comments

  1. says

    This is an encouraging post.

    There aren’t all that many writers out there who seem to advocate writing slowly. Just a few. And they are (by numbers at least) overwhelmed by those who regularly range in the 1500-4000 range per day. That’s leaving aside those “heavy outline” writers who actually manage 8-9,000 in a day.

  2. Jeff VanderMeer says

    Sometimes writers list word counts to convince themselves they’re making progress, even if they’re just typing words. And I know some fast writers who do fine work. But the fact is, on a novel especially, it almost always benefits from time to breathe.

    Jeff

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