Scott Sigler…Is…in…My…House
Jeff VanderMeer • March 18th, 2008 @ 1:21 pm • Uncategorized
Twenty minutes after Scott Sigler responded to this post, he is actually now, in my house, beating up my family and stealing my stuff. If I didn’t have so many deadlines I’d try to stop him.
You’ll recall this photo is with his press materials:
Well, I must admit, in the interests of fairness, that the author photo on his blog is much different (reproduced below):
March 18, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Awwwww. He’s got my vote for Most Adorable Genre Author. They should add the category to the Hugos.
March 18, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Of course, if that hamster was an author, and he or she could write, it’d probably be something along the lines of… “poop. poop. poop. nibble. poop. nibble. scratch.”
March 18, 2008 at 2:49 pm
AWW that Hamster is SO cute.
March 18, 2008 at 3:29 pm
big deal
that hamster doesn’t look so tough
i ain’t impressed
March 18, 2008 at 3:44 pm
I could totally take that hamster. OK, it would be a points decision.
March 18, 2008 at 3:47 pm
If either of you gentlemen care to wrestle a hamster on video, I will happily show said video on this blog. In fact, I will pay for the privilege. Because, kind sirs, I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU CAN TAKE THE HAMSTER.
March 18, 2008 at 3:53 pm
I swore never to allow my hamster wrestling to be recorded after the last time. Actually, I retired my whole hamster wrestling league. I got tired of sewing the tiny little wrestler masks.
March 18, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Just how little are you, Grant?
JV
March 18, 2008 at 4:02 pm
mail me your hamster Jeff
i will fight it, and emerge victorious, this i swear
my hamster-fu is strong
March 18, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Wait, is it just me or is that hamster supping on blood from that fingertip?
I ain’t messin with no vampire hamsters. Or maybe I will. Otherwise, I imagine they may infiltrate second grade classrooms everywhere. Won’t someone think of the children?
March 18, 2008 at 4:14 pm
When I’m in my home-built steam-powered mech, about twenty feet tall. Which you would assume would give me some advantage over those little rodent luchas. They hide steroids in their cheek pouches I tell ya, those crepuscular bastards!
March 18, 2008 at 4:27 pm
mail me this hamster, Jeff
pack it comfortably in soft foam peanuts and give it plenty of airholes, so that it is well-rested and ready to fight on arrival
i will still defeat it
i do not fear this hamster
March 18, 2008 at 4:52 pm
i fear the morale of a mailed hamster might be sufficiently low, felix, that you would have an unfair advantage.
grant–would you allow a mailed or unmailed hamster the comfort of a mech suit, or would that give it an unfair advantage over you (assuming you were also wearing your mech suit?).
jeff
March 18, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Um, retards. Hamsters don’t wrestle with humans or suckle their blood. Ludicrous. Impossible.
Besides, that’s not even a hamster. It’s a magenta-speckled pixie.
March 18, 2008 at 5:44 pm
I don’t think it would be a good idea to enhance a hamster, mailed or no, with an exoskeleton and automatic weaponry. They do enough damage just in the tights. Hm. That last sentence caused me to completely lose my train of thought.
March 18, 2008 at 5:48 pm
fedEx me this hamster, Jeff
send it by motorcycle courier if you see fit
i would have no man question my victory over this hamster
March 18, 2008 at 5:52 pm
I wonder if that hamster is destined to be sent to a witch doctor in Ecuador…
March 18, 2008 at 5:55 pm
Larry–it’s all toilet water and rodents for my blog readers. Give ‘em cats or photos of grandchildren, they’re mum. Put up a photo of a demented splotch of fur attacking a finger, they’re all over it.
Felix–I will send the hamster overland on scented divan carried by six strapping men. It shall arrive refreshed and ready for battle.
JV
March 18, 2008 at 5:59 pm
good
so be it
then we shall meet at last, this hamster and i
and we shall learn who is the stronger
March 18, 2008 at 7:08 pm
Beware: the hamster could be “mailed” – chain mail….plate mail….scale mail.
I judge the hamster to have an Armor Class of -2.
March 18, 2008 at 7:16 pm
Watch out for the miniature giant space hamsters, Felix!
They’re surprisingly ferocious to all evildoers, everywhere.
March 18, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Beware:
http://gilgamesh.hamsterrepublic.com/albums/Sketch/my_hamster_can_kick_your_ass.thumb.png
March 18, 2008 at 7:31 pm
Be very…afraid…
http://www.flickr.com/photos/vanderworld/2344540016/
March 18, 2008 at 7:43 pm
The hamster would have a armor class of 25 (+8 size, +4 dex, +1 natural armor)
March 18, 2008 at 7:45 pm
So you would only be able to hit it if you got a 20 or your attack was +6 or higher
March 18, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Geek!
March 18, 2008 at 9:01 pm
The solution is simple, Jeff – you have a picture of your grandson with a rabid hamster about to attack the pirate kitty, who is trying to drink toilet water. That way, all of your bases are covered.
March 19, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Actually, thats VanderSmeer on the right, Sigler on the left.
March 19, 2008 at 2:42 pm
VanderSmeer . . . I like it!
March 19, 2008 at 3:02 pm
That is my best picture yet. You’ll be laughing out of the other side of your ass when you get bit on the finger, there is a drop of blood, and then you realize I broke into your house and stole all your Snoopy Band-Aids. Enjoy bleeding to death one drop at a time, you bastard …
March 19, 2008 at 3:08 pm
I shall enjoy it as much as i am able, being a hypochondriac.
Jeff
March 19, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Oh–and Scott’s book is at #1,563 on Amazon right now. Mine is at #24,402. So, proves my point. This ain’t golf, folks. It’s all about scoring points–the higher the number, the more points you have. So I have over 22,000 points more than Scott right now. Bwaahaha, er, waaaaaaaa!
March 19, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Jeff,
If there’s going to be an atomic smackdown, feel free to borrow my steam-powered exoskeleton. Might need drycleaning first but it should work OK. Long as he doesn’t let loose a hamster army or something.
March 19, 2008 at 4:56 pm
i have still received no hamster
i declare victory by default
let word of my triumph go forth
March 19, 2008 at 4:59 pm
Maybe Jeff mailed it slow so when it arrives it’s all stinky and gross. I believe this is known as the Ellison postal method.
March 19, 2008 at 5:56 pm
I’m fairly sure he doesn’t have a hamster army, although he might have a biker army.
LOL! Grant! You have a sense of the history of genre–bless you.
Felix–that that hamster is a’coming. Overland. On scented divan. It ain’t comin’ quick. It’s comin’ slooow. When it finally get there, it’s gonna kick yer privileged ass.
Jeff
March 30, 2008 at 10:34 pm
[...] are investigating a possible connection between this unprovoked assault and a recent perfectly reasonable conversation between Mr. Gilman and one “Jeff VanderMeer.” (Possibly an alias). This threatening [...]
April 14, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Cute Hammy. Makes me warm and fuzzy on the inside. Eets adworabwel wittle pwink twounge!!!