Scott Sigler…Is…in…My…House

Jeff VanderMeer • March 18th, 2008 @ 1:21 pm • Uncategorized

Twenty minutes after Scott Sigler responded to this post, he is actually now, in my house, beating up my family and stealing my stuff. If I didn’t have so many deadlines I’d try to stop him.

You’ll recall this photo is with his press materials:

Well, I must admit, in the interests of fairness, that the author photo on his blog is much different (reproduced below):

38 Responses to “Scott Sigler…Is…in…My…House”

  1. Nadine says:

    Awwwww. He’s got my vote for Most Adorable Genre Author. They should add the category to the Hugos.

  2. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    Of course, if that hamster was an author, and he or she could write, it’d probably be something along the lines of… “poop. poop. poop. nibble. poop. nibble. scratch.”

  3. Andrew says:

    AWW that Hamster is SO cute.

  4. Felix Gilman says:

    big deal

    that hamster doesn’t look so tough

    i ain’t impressed

  5. Grant Stone says:

    I could totally take that hamster. OK, it would be a points decision.

  6. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    If either of you gentlemen care to wrestle a hamster on video, I will happily show said video on this blog. In fact, I will pay for the privilege. Because, kind sirs, I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU CAN TAKE THE HAMSTER.

  7. Grant Stone says:

    I swore never to allow my hamster wrestling to be recorded after the last time. Actually, I retired my whole hamster wrestling league. I got tired of sewing the tiny little wrestler masks.

  8. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    Just how little are you, Grant?

  9. Felix Gilman says:

    mail me your hamster Jeff

    i will fight it, and emerge victorious, this i swear

    my hamster-fu is strong

  10. Lane says:

    Wait, is it just me or is that hamster supping on blood from that fingertip?

    I ain’t messin with no vampire hamsters. Or maybe I will. Otherwise, I imagine they may infiltrate second grade classrooms everywhere. Won’t someone think of the children?

  11. Grant Stone says:

    When I’m in my home-built steam-powered mech, about twenty feet tall. Which you would assume would give me some advantage over those little rodent luchas. They hide steroids in their cheek pouches I tell ya, those crepuscular bastards!

  12. Felix Gilman says:

    mail me this hamster, Jeff

    pack it comfortably in soft foam peanuts and give it plenty of airholes, so that it is well-rested and ready to fight on arrival

    i will still defeat it

    i do not fear this hamster

  13. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    i fear the morale of a mailed hamster might be sufficiently low, felix, that you would have an unfair advantage.

    grant–would you allow a mailed or unmailed hamster the comfort of a mech suit, or would that give it an unfair advantage over you (assuming you were also wearing your mech suit?).


  14. William says:

    Um, retards. Hamsters don’t wrestle with humans or suckle their blood. Ludicrous. Impossible.

    Besides, that’s not even a hamster. It’s a magenta-speckled pixie.

  15. Grant Stone says:

    I don’t think it would be a good idea to enhance a hamster, mailed or no, with an exoskeleton and automatic weaponry. They do enough damage just in the tights. Hm. That last sentence caused me to completely lose my train of thought.

  16. Felix Gilman says:

    fedEx me this hamster, Jeff

    send it by motorcycle courier if you see fit

    i would have no man question my victory over this hamster

  17. Larry says:

    I wonder if that hamster is destined to be sent to a witch doctor in Ecuador…

  18. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    Larry–it’s all toilet water and rodents for my blog readers. Give ‘em cats or photos of grandchildren, they’re mum. Put up a photo of a demented splotch of fur attacking a finger, they’re all over it.

    Felix–I will send the hamster overland on scented divan carried by six strapping men. It shall arrive refreshed and ready for battle.


  19. Felix Gilman says:


    so be it

    then we shall meet at last, this hamster and i

    and we shall learn who is the stronger

  20. Matt says:

    Beware: the hamster could be “mailed” – chain mail….plate mail….scale mail.
    I judge the hamster to have an Armor Class of -2.

  21. j_m_mcdermott says:

    Watch out for the miniature giant space hamsters, Felix!

    They’re surprisingly ferocious to all evildoers, everywhere.

  22. Jeff VanderMeer says:


  23. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    Be very…afraid…

  24. Andrew says:

    The hamster would have a armor class of 25 (+8 size, +4 dex, +1 natural armor)

  25. Andrew says:

    So you would only be able to hit it if you got a 20 or your attack was +6 or higher

  26. Jeff VanderMeer says:


  27. Larry says:

    The solution is simple, Jeff – you have a picture of your grandson with a rabid hamster about to attack the pirate kitty, who is trying to drink toilet water. That way, all of your bases are covered.

  28. Wolf says:

    Actually, thats VanderSmeer on the right, Sigler on the left.

  29. Allen says:

    VanderSmeer . . . I like it!

  30. Scott Sigler says:

    That is my best picture yet. You’ll be laughing out of the other side of your ass when you get bit on the finger, there is a drop of blood, and then you realize I broke into your house and stole all your Snoopy Band-Aids. Enjoy bleeding to death one drop at a time, you bastard …

  31. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    I shall enjoy it as much as i am able, being a hypochondriac.


  32. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    Oh–and Scott’s book is at #1,563 on Amazon right now. Mine is at #24,402. So, proves my point. This ain’t golf, folks. It’s all about scoring points–the higher the number, the more points you have. So I have over 22,000 points more than Scott right now. Bwaahaha, er, waaaaaaaa!

  33. Grant Stone says:

    If there’s going to be an atomic smackdown, feel free to borrow my steam-powered exoskeleton. Might need drycleaning first but it should work OK. Long as he doesn’t let loose a hamster army or something.

  34. Felix Gilman says:

    i have still received no hamster

    i declare victory by default

    let word of my triumph go forth

  35. Grant Stone says:

    Maybe Jeff mailed it slow so when it arrives it’s all stinky and gross. I believe this is known as the Ellison postal method.

  36. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    I’m fairly sure he doesn’t have a hamster army, although he might have a biker army.

    LOL! Grant! You have a sense of the history of genre–bless you.

    Felix–that that hamster is a’coming. Overland. On scented divan. It ain’t comin’ quick. It’s comin’ slooow. When it finally get there, it’s gonna kick yer privileged ass.


  37. Felix Gilman - Official Website says:

    [...] are investigating a possible connection between this unprovoked assault and a recent perfectly reasonable conversation between Mr. Gilman and one “Jeff VanderMeer.”  (Possibly an alias).  This threatening [...]

  38. Jenny says:

    Cute Hammy. Makes me warm and fuzzy on the inside. Eets adworabwel wittle pwink twounge!!!

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