Two Things I Never Expected

Jeff VanderMeer • February 24th, 2008 @ 11:29 pm • Uncategorized

After having been called a “boy toy” today, I thought nothing could possibly bring me down–until we got to the parking lot at the airport and we found that my car had been shat upon by the thousand demon birds of Hell. Once I regained my ability to speak without roaring swears, I had to admire the systematic nature of this indignity visited upon my innocent Corolla. Even if five hundred birds had in regimented goose-stepping fashion afixed their butts in an assembly line of poo-creation, still they could not have approached the sheer frightening velocity and intensity of the bird crap Mardi Gras float that my car has become…

26 Responses to “Two Things I Never Expected”

  1. Sir Tessa says:

    THE INTERNET DEMANDS PIKCHURS.

    THIS BIT OF THE INTERNET DOES ANYWAY.

    ’cause that sounds hilarious.

  2. John says:

    Ha! I came to leave the exact same comment as Sir Tessa. Man, the internet is sure populated by heartless bastards…

  3. Larry says:

    The solution is simple: You have your hood painted with the likeness of one William Shatner. The birds will be too terrified to shit upon it again.

  4. Matt says:

    Oh, Larry, I don’t know…sounds like the birds already painted his car with the likeness of one William SHATner…

  5. Chris Billett says:

    Arrived here to say what Tessa has already said. Video footage of you cursing the car and trying to find a way to touch the door handle without soiling your hand would, I guess, be too much to ask! *g*

  6. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    Wow. You are coldblooded heartless bastards. But I guess I have to give you what you want…

    JV

  7. jeff ford says:

    Jeff: I remember my grandmother,who was deep into a kind of old world Irish mysticism, used to say that it meant luck when a bird shit on you or you inadvertantly stepped in shit. It looks like you’re good for at least a year.

  8. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    Or several years.

    Luckily, it turned out to be easy to hose off. Sometimes, depending on the bird, it can be like you’ve got glue on your car. LOL!

    Jeff

  9. Jake says:

    Jeff,

    The question that begs to be asked is: What did you do to the birds to piss them off? No reasonable person could conclude that this was a random event.

  10. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    I don’t know. I think it was the mistake of parking in what I thought was the peaceful shade of a tree in long-term parking, rather than AWAY from the tree…Ah, a nice open spot right close up. Now I know why.

    JV

  11. Felix Gilman says:

    your car has a terrible skin disease

    poor thing

  12. Jonathan Wood says:

    While I appreciate all the emotional harm and general disgust that must be involved here…

    this picture makes me happy.

  13. Timblynod says:

    It’s cause you stole the nice shady parking, you greedy bastard. Divine cumuppance! =D

  14. Timblynod says:

    Okay I can’t spell that word. Damn English.

  15. Larry says:

    I’ve had a few similar experiences over the years parking at my parents’ place, since the entire driveway is shaded by oak trees. At least you got to it before the sun had baked that white. Impressive coordination there by the birds, I might add.

  16. Bob Lock says:

    What makes you think this was done by a thousand birds, Jeff?
    It could be just one with a grudge and loose bowels!

  17. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    Hell, it might not even have been birds! It could have been a mortal enemy with a lot of time who ate a lot of fruit.
    JV

  18. Timblynod says:

    Oranges, maybe. Mortal enemies–the evil ones–typically have a weakness for oranges.

  19. Gio Clairval says:

    Had that kind of crupp on my old Alfa Romeo, once. But no birdies shatnered on it, the TREE itself did!!!
    It was a kind of resinous thing. After parking in a shady place–my Alfie looked just like your car.

    I was on vacation in Sardinia. Trees loath tourists, there.

  20. Sir Tessa says:

    THIS BIT OF THE INTERNET IS SATISFIED.

  21. Larry says:

    Some of that does look like tree residue combining with birds who ate bad berries. But I so approve of the line above of “no birdies shatnered on it,” I have to add.

  22. Anon says:

    This bit of the internet is not satisfied. What’s the story behind “boy toy”?

  23. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    See–finally someone bites on the hook. More when I’m feeling better.
    jv

  24. Nadine says:

    Anon beat me to it. This is what I get for going a few days without reading– lateness to parties, bird shatner, and boy toys.

  25. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    It really wasn’t anything that tell-worthy. We did this brunch where people paid to meet the writers, and we did a kind of “speed dating” format, with each writer going to the next table after 10 minutes. It was Ann and me, and at one table of all women (I think it was a book club), the age difference between Ann and me came up, and one woman said, grinning, “So you’re a boy toy!” rather loudly, making folks at other tables look around. I turned bright red and the official photographer snapped my picture at exactly that moment. To balance that out, at the same table, another woman looked at the New Weird antho and said conspiratorially, “So you’re weird, then?” Me: “That’s for you guys to determine!” Her: “So you’re weird, then?” Me (defeated): “Yes, I guess I am!” They were a raucous bunch, that’s for sure.

    JV

  26. Timblynod says:

    lol fascinating anecdote…but surely there is no significant age gap between Ann and you. Whippersnappers, both!

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