New Year’s Resolutions

Jeff VanderMeer • January 5th, 2008 @ 9:11 am • Uncategorized

(1) Fewer squid.
(2) Keel fewer peoples with me mind bullets.
(3) Suffer fools better, so as to continue to like myself.
(4) Learn French or conquer the world.
(5) Stage “cat plays” renowned in the neighborhood for their rough truculence.
(6) Further develop the “demented sea captain” look I’m currently sporting.
(7) Learn to type with toes in case of horrible industrial accident.
(8) Write a story around the title “Buckwaldo Mudthumper Hocks a Hoe”.
(9) Fewer mushrooms.
(10) More meerkats.

20 Responses to “New Year’s Resolutions”

  1. Dave Schwartz says:


    Er, I mean: I support your platform and would like to register with your party.

  2. Cat Rambo says:

    Eh, you can learn French -next- weekend.

  3. brendan connell says:

    Funny, my resolution was to eat more mushrooms, conquer the entire canton of Züg without the use of French, and cut down drastically on my meercat intake (I find they make me feel heavy and cause me to have dreams).

  4. Cat Sparks says:

    Yay on (6) and (10)!

  5. Chris Billett says:

    Without debt the best and most likely to be achieved New Years resolutions yet blogged on my friends list, Jeff. *g*

    Now, to help you obtain your sea-folk look, a big hairy picture for you.

  6. Jason Erik Lundberg says:

    Re: (6), I actually thought you were setting out to rob a liquor store; the proprieters would be so distracted by your demented sea-captain look that you wouldn’t even need a gun! :)

  7. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    Yeah, I think the more demented I look, the more free stuff I will get…


  8. Chris Billett says:

    You’re going to need a pipe. A bubble pipe would add to the demented look.

  9. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    Excellent idea!

  10. Gilles says:

    No, Cat, he can’t, not even in a lifetime. From what I heard of his French, I would advise him to conquer the world instead. Especially as a demented look can be useful in this regard.

    (And a Happy New Year to all of you. As for my new year’s resolutions, I stopped making them a looooong time ago.)

    (By the way, to be able to learn French, you have to be able to eat snails and frogs. Not squids.)

  11. Peter says:

    Re: horrible industrial accident. I know a writer who actual did learn to write with his feet — just in case. He wrote a play about it (with his hands, though).

  12. Steve Buchheit says:

    I’m hoping for “(3) Suffer fools better.” Either that or I need to quit writing.

  13. Horia Ursu says:

    For the demented sea-captain look, use the eye-patch too. It suits you well. Might even get you more free stuff? Exempli gratia: free advice (as follows). A pic with this look would be great on the back of your Predator book!

  14. AnnV says:

    I, for one, look forward to the “cat plays.” Make Jackson a star so he can start earning his keep…..

  15. Hunter Eden says:

    Could it be that learning French and conquering the world are mutually exclusive? After all, Charlemagne only spoke German and Napoleon was by birth Corsican, speaking French with an Italian accent his entire life.

  16. Sharon says:

    Fewer squid?


  17. Zak says:

    Fewer squid? MADNESS!

    Having just read backwards from your post about drug abuse in the fiction community, I can only see these two things as related.

    I think you have a problem, Jeff. If the HGH is impacting your willingness and ability to partake in squid, you need to reassess your choices. I’m not afraid to say it because it needs saying.

  18. Sir Tessa says:

    (10) More meerkats camels.


    Nononono, wait-

    (10) More meerkats penguins.

    Yes. You need more penguins. Like this little guy. And you thought your life was hard. WON’T ANY ONE THINK OF THE PENGUINS.

  19. JeffVanderMeer says:


    I can’t do any more squid, man? Do you know how long they take to snort?


  20. Zak says:

    No no no. There’s a special preparation for squid. It takes a little effort at first, but once you get the operation going, you’re set. It’s best if you’ve got contacts in Newfoundland.

    Take your basic humbolt (but if you know any Newfies, get some A. dux, that’s the shit, man), find a specimen about 5 feet long and you lay’im out on a tarp. You’re not gonna keep it there, so don’t worry about the space it takes. Once you get it stretched out you roll the tarp up like you’re making a wrap with a tortilla. You take your squid wrap — it should weigh about 20 lbs and be pretty compact — and you put it in a styrofoam cooler, the kind grocery stores sell when summer rolls around. A 40 gallon size should be plenty.

    The next part is the trickiest bit. You gotta dig around until you find a gardening supply place that’ll sell you Japanese crab mantis egg cases. The regular garden mantis won’t do. The Japanese crab mantis is the only one that has nymphs that can process the ammonia in squid. Normally, they’d be attracted to spots in your garden where the cats pissed, but these little guys are going to have a much cooler meal. The wimpy garden stores sell these by the egg case, but if you find one of the places that supply corporate landscapers you can buy the egg cases by the pound. You need about 1.5 pounds of crab mantis eggs for every 20 pounds of squid you’ve got.

    You kind of pack the squid and the eggcases into the cooler, you duct tape it up so the stink can’t get out and then you let it sit for a month. The Japanese crab mantis is a cannibal, so as the nymphs mature they’ll move from feasting on squid to feasting on each other. The beauty of this setup is that after a month’s time all the mantis will be dead, the squid will be completely digested and you’ll have about a half pound of mantis egg cases you can use for your next squid. If you get 3 of these coolers going, you’ll have more squid powder than you can ever use, even if you use one of those pixie straws that start with candy in them.

    The mantis you harvest from the squid will be kind of like a sourdough mother, the older the starter mantis you use, the better grade the stuff you get. I shouldn’t have to tell you, dude. The high from a 3rd generation mantis-reduced squid is amazing. Not only does it induce massive synaesthesia, but you also get narration to everything you do in the voice of the author you’ve read the most of. It’s like being made of LCD crystals and having dengue.

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