They Blowed ‘Em Up Real Good, Ralph

Jeff VanderMeer • August 27th, 2007 @ 7:41 am • Evil Monkey

Evil Monkey: Wow.

Jeff: Wow.

Evil Monkey: I didn’t know…

Jeff: I didn’t know either…

Evil Monkey: That there were so many ways to kill a person.

Jeff: Yeah.

Evil Monkey: Reminds me of that Billy Joel song.

Jeff: What?

Evil Monkey: You know–the one where he lists all the historical-cultural things.

Jeff: We didn’t start the fire?

Evil Monkey: Yeah, that one.

Jeff: This didn’t look much like a Billy Joel video.

Evil Monkey: Yeah, it was. Kinda goes like this “We didn’t start the fire./The aliens did./And then the predators came:/Decapitation/ exploding hook through the heart/ claw through the brain/ evaporating head/ nail gun through head/ spike through chest/ finger in the lungs/ bite head off/ swinging spines for fun/ they blowed them up real good, Ralph.”

Jeff: Nobody’s gonna mistake it for a biopic on Mother Teresa, that’s for sure.

Evil Monkey: “Fang through the eye/ knife through the spleen/ blade through the pancreas / unraveling intestines/ raindrops on kittens…” Hey, wait, I’m wrong–it’s not a Billy Joel song: it’s “My Favorite Things” from Mary Poppins!

6 Responses to “They Blowed ‘Em Up Real Good, Ralph”

  1. neil williamson says:

    Raindrops make kittens explode. It’s true. That Maria Von Trapp was a sadistic piece of work, so she was.

    Your lyricising above also reminded me of Python’s Brave Sir Robin song.

  2. Matt Staggs says:

    The Aliens don’t look like they’re doing too well in this installment. They need to maybe ship off for a corporate retreat or something.

    What do you think about having the Aliens face off against El Santo or one of the other Luchedors in the next movie?

    If they defeat him, they not only get to remove his mask, they get to replace it with a face hugger.

  3. benpeek says:

    …why does it look like a teen horror film?

  4. Jeff VanderMeer says:

    Yes, why does it?


  5. Matt Staggs says:

    That’s because Aliens and Predator are the sci fi cousins of Freddy n’ Jason.

  6. Virgil Beardon says:

    Is it just me or did this post strike a cord with other folks. Maintain writing this and I’ll be back.

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