Weirdest Freelance Moment…
I think enough time has passed since the moment I’m about to describe that I won’t get bit in the butt for relating it…
When I first started freelancing this year, I jumped at any gig I could get. One of the leads was to write retold Bible stories for teens. It was work-for-hire and the resulting book supposedly would be sold in chain bookstores.
The creative director insisted on a conference call to suss me out, along with an assistant and the owner of the company.
I get on the phone and the creative director, in a style I can only describe as old-school Hollywood–I could just see him chomping down on a cigar–tells me “This isn’t like writing for your penny-dreadfuls, Jeff. This is the big-time. This is for real.”
“Okay,” I say. “How about you tell me about the project.”
Creative Director: “I used to work at [big comic book company], I know what I’m talking about. This is for real.”
Me: “I’m looking forward to it. Do you have a particular slant?”
Creative Director: “Just think of Adam as being Batman except without parents and you’ll do fine.”
Me [thinking]: …But Batman had parents and…
Creative Director: “Just remember this isn’t those penny dreadfuls you’re used to writing for. This is a real audience.”
Me: “I understand it’s updated Bible stories.”
Creative Director: “Yeah. The snake is called Stevie and he tells fart jokes. The kids love the fart jokes.”
Me: “So what do you want from me?”
Creative Director: “Pitch us the Tree of Life, Jeff. Pitch us the Tree of Life.”
Me: “Green? Leaves? Large?”
At that moment, or maybe it was well before, I realized I was never, ever going to write for these people.
And, in fact, I never did.
Jeff
August 16, 2007 at 11:00 pm
Hahaa! Brilliant!
August 16, 2007 at 11:34 pm
How the hell did you not bust up laughing over the phone? :-)
August 17, 2007 at 12:50 am
Did Ashton Kutcher run in and say “you just got punk’d?”
August 17, 2007 at 12:56 am
Wow. Just . . . wow.
August 17, 2007 at 7:17 am
Well, the context was…I needed the work. And I was nervous. So it wasn’t until a month later, when I was more settled and things were going well that I realized just how insane it all was.
I also think this company went out of business shortly thereafter.
LOL.
jeff
August 17, 2007 at 7:18 am
But I really will never forget “Pitch me the Tree of Life”. I literally hear that phrase in my head at odd moments. Like, it’s the ultimate challenge….
Jeff
August 17, 2007 at 7:48 am
It’s so SNL skit-worthy.
August 17, 2007 at 7:50 am
It totally sounds unreal, I know, but that’s exactly how it went down, with some incidental stuff in between edited out. Sometimes I just marvel at how odd the real world can get.
Jeff
August 17, 2007 at 7:50 am
I also really got the feeling their creative director was nervous, perhaps even worried about losing his job, and that’s why he felt the need to keep impressing on me what an insect I was compared to him!
Jeff
August 17, 2007 at 8:38 am
Stick to the Penny-Dreadfuls, man. I dig ‘em.
Although out of context a talking snake named “stevie” that tells fart jokes is pretty funny. But only out of context, and the jokes themselves wouldn’t be funny - shouldn’t be funny - for you to really grok the bizarro vibe properly.
August 17, 2007 at 12:21 pm
Anonymous Creative Director’s One-Minute Writer’s Workshop
(1) Begin by picturing all your characters as Batman.
(2) One by one, shave off all non-Batman-like characteristics. Think carefully about this! For instance, Adam is not a billionaire playboy — remember not to give him a private jet. Moses did not learn martial arts from ninjas — do not have him beat up more than one Eqyptian at a time.
(3) What remains is the true essence of your character. Adam’s ready to go fight crime!